The Journey Through Life and Loss...

ONE YEAR!!!!

2012-02-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

And the day has come. You are one year old! I can not believe it! Happy Birthday baby girl! Big party will be next weekend when daddy will be home to celebrate with us!

You are 19 lbs. dont know the length b/c we havent had well baby visit.
You are down to 3 6oz. bottles a day
You love to eat! And you are not very picky
Started to drink out of your sippy cup.
Say mama really well mostly when your mad or hurt.
You are a cuddle bug.
You are a daddy's girl
You pull up on everything!
You still put a everything in your mouth!
You still like your binky but we starting to limit use.
The last two weeks glasses wearing hasn't been going so well.
I think you are testing limits b/c you will see how much you can get away with.
You have been sleeping HORRIBLE! I'm hoping this is a short phase b/c it makes for a cranky mommy and baby by 7:30.
You attended your first OU womens basket ball game got your picture taken with the mascots! You threw a fit when they left.
Moved up to your front facing car seat
Have surgery scheduled for tubes. Hope this will make a big differnce in a few areas.

I'm in a little bit of denile that you are already a year old. This year has went by so fast. I'm looking forward to all the things to come! I love you more than I can say!

11 months

2012-01-28T07:43:00.000-08:00

Well before Jaxxi turns ONE! I thought I better get her 11 month post up :)

You started crawling EVERYWHERE!
You were 18 pounds 1 once on Jan. 4th
You go out of your way to find something nonfood related things to put in your mouth!
You got glasses and you are doing great keeping them on! Yay... The first day we were both in tears by the end of the day but patience and consistency paid off!
You have been eating your body weight in food. Which I'm thankful for was a little worried about your lack of interest in food.
We were told you would have to have tubes in your ears, and surgery to correct both your eyes from going lazy.
You finally say Mama but only when your really mad or you really want me!
You LOVE mickey mouse club house. and dance every single time to the hot dog dance and yell out with so much excitement. I love love it!
You continue to be so happy around people. You are for sure a social butterfly!
You do great at restaurants and it makes it so easy to be on the go.
But you hate your car seat! You will do a back bend to keep from going in it. :)
You can pull up and cruise around the coffee table and your bed.
You have finally really started playing with your toys. your favorite seems to be a barn shape sorter. you like to put the blocks in and out and open and close the door.
We started with sooner start this month and they are completely amazed with your progress all on your own. You truly changed into a different baby over a two week span of time.
You are almost out of your 9 months clothes just b/c the pants are getting to short. So I'm putting you in more and more 12 months clothes.
You have started really loving your daddy. You cried for the first time when he left work this week. Made us both really sad.
You have a great love for animals your legs started kicking whenever you see the horses, you have really started to interact and play with Huck also.
You continue to be sweet, snuggly and oh so cute!

I can not believe we are a 14 days away from her first birthday! Time passes so quickly and I'm trying to cherish and remember every moment. I'm slightly overwhelmed with all the changes that need to happen in the next few months. Like transitioning from formula to milk, eating more solids, taking away the bottle, and Binky. I know it will all happen in her time and that I shouldn't worry so much, but man it seems like a lot.:)

I want to blog I really do...

2012-01-20T14:57:00.000-08:00

But the thing that I want to blog about most I can't! and It takes entirely to long to put red hearts over her cute little face! So maybe one day I will be motivated and catch up. Christmas was great and we have fantastic New Year... Now I'm thick in 1st birthday party planning! I'm probably going overboard but I'm loving it so much I don't even care! :) So that's all that really going on in the Allen household!

10 months!

2011-12-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

Well it's that time again time for ANOTHER monthly post. I'm so happy for each milestone, but also would like to keep her my tiny little baby!

You were 17.5 LBS and 28 inches long at 9 month well baby visit we go back to doctor on Wednesday and I'm positive you have grown!
biggest milestone is starting to Army Crawl! I was wrapping with shiny Christmas paper and that gave you enough motivation to get on the move!
Started eating pasta pick ups, You don't like baby food even though Nana says I just don't try hard enough :)
We have moved most of your feedings from your bumboo seat to the big girl high chair.
You can eat a whole cracker by yourself.
Daddy walked in the door and you started saying DADA. Still not a mention of mama!
front two teeth all the way in. Another top tooth pooped through this week. That makes 5 teeth for you total.
Still drinking 4-5 6oz. bottles a day.
Went to look at Christmas lights and Christmas inflatables.
Hung your first Christmas Ornament.
First Carner Tree Trimming
First Thanksgiving
First accident! While taking family photo's Mommy let you fall off a chair. You were OK after a few snuggles! (P.s. daddy will never let mommy forget I let you get hurt first! ha!)
Met your extended family on Poppy's side.
Continue to develop your cute, sweet, ORNERY personality.
The very start of stranger anxiety.
Started throwing head throwing fits!
Fighting sleep.

This girl is a mess! Mine and Shane's hearts are full to the brim though! I have know idea what we did for entertainment before her. I'm so much looking forward to our first Christmas as a family of three! God has blessed more than we deserve!

I have so much to get caught up on in blogging. Maybe after Christmas I can set down and get some pictures on here and get caught up!

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-26T09:29:00.001-08:00

We had a great Thanksgiving a little different than years past but still a blessed one none the less! Of course we were thrilled to get to spend it Jaxxi first Thanksgiving all together!

All of the Allen clan together for the first time in along time!

Daddy giving his Sweets a lift waiting for lunch :)

Thanksgiving morning watching the Macy's Parade!

My SIL Tish ran her first Marathon the Sunday before Thanksgiving and here are the girls showing their support! :)

She survived! I'm proud that of you Tish!

9 Months

2011-11-15T13:11:00.001-08:00

I can not believe she is already 9 months old! we had a big month of milestones!

you weighed 17 lbs. 3oz. at last appt. we go for you 9 month well baby on the 23rd
you have two bottom teeth and the top two front teeth have broke the skin.
you are leaning over your knee to start to crawl (more on this later)
you have just in the last few days started babbling! your first word was dada! You don't know what that means yet but it's still your first word :)
still drinking 6 oz of formula
Still not a big fan of baby food
Still wearing size three diapers
6-9 months or 9 month clothing.
size 2 shoe
LOVE your puffs and baby snacks!
First wagon ride with you great Uncle Gary
You love all animals!!
met your Great Grandma Linda for the first time.
Had your first trick-or-treating!
You have started reaching for people
You cry when I leave the room or when I walk by and don't say hi to you!
You have started waking up around 5:30 in the mornings but go right back to sleep.
You will hold your own bottle most of the time and you do this cutest little twisting when you are holding it! :)
You still attack Madison's face every time you see her:)

This month we had a few concerns about where Jaxxi is on a few developmental things. So we set up a meeting with s.o.oner st.a.rt. They are organization that will help kids if they are behind in any area the first three years of life. Well we had our evaluation and Jaxxi qualified. She has some lose ligaments and some under developed muscles. So she will start physical therapy very soon!

Giving Credit where credit is due...

2011-11-07T21:16:00.000-08:00

I think this post has been along time coming. So I need to back up a little September 2010 my life begin to shift. I had moved beyond raw grief to just a state of depression. It was literally killing my soul. I just couldn't shake it. I had done everything that I was in my power to do, and guess what it didn't work! So I had to turn to the one who could do something about it. Since that time He has been showing me again and again that He is faithful. So in October of 2010 I got the nerve to turn in our foster/adoption application and my life has been on a fast track ever since. We had our first initial visit at the end of October and then we had two months were nothing was really happening except paper work and waiting for a class to get in to. So I made it through another holiday seasons with empty arms. For the first time in probably 3 or 4 years I let myself begin to hope.

January of this year I began to see that my life needed to change, and I was the only one who could do anything about it! So starting in January I started working out and between January and May of this year I lost 30 lbs. Started feeling like myself again. Then we found out about Jaxxi and I actually started to feel joy. real joy, God given overflowing joy. So I write all of that to say if your a baby loss mom who reads my blog or somehow found my blog b/c you are fresh in your grief there is hope. It's totally normal to grieve. I know there was so many dark times that I thought I would never feel any different than empty and sad. I promise you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep searching for Gods plan in your life and you will one day wake up and realize you have made it through. That doesn't mean that you don't miss your child or stop thinking about them or that you will never shed another tear. It does mean that you will feel that your not sitting on the side lines of your own life. You may even feel like your making the winning goal.

I read so many blog of BLM's and after they have another baby it's like that was what made them feel normal. Jaxxi does make me feel normal and I LOVE being a mom, but if I never would have had a child God was the one who healed my broken heart. He did that a while before Jaxxi came along. So if you never got your "rainbow" baby the only one who can heal your hurt is the one above.... So I'm giving credit where credit is due and saying I got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, WHERE, down in my heart, WHERE, down in my heart to stay. That comes from GOD.

I survived the Earthquake of 2011!

2011-11-06T20:52:00.000-08:00

So it's been a little nutso around here! We have two pretty large earthquakes in Oklahoma in the last couple of days! and oh did I mention they centered just a about 9 miles from my house! On Friday night I was home alone then at a little after 2 in the morning I was awoken to what sounded like a big explosion then my house started shaking! it was a 4.7 earthquake. I know it wasn't a huge deal but to be woken up to that it's definitely not pleasant! So what do you do to make sure your not crazy open up FB lol! Well I wasn't crazy my news feed was going crazy with everyone who felt it!

Last night around 10:30 we were decorating my sisters mantel for Christmas and Oklahoma's biggest and longest ever recorded earthquake happened it was a 5.6! It kept going and going. So I ran and got Jaxxi and got in a doorway. :) natural disasters are a lot more scary when your worrying about your child! I thought all we had to worry about were tornado's, and at least we get a warning with those, now it looks like we should be a tad concerned about earthquakes!

Halloween and a real life pirate!

2011-11-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

We had a great Halloween! Jaxxi will never remember it but, Shane and I will! We went downtown Prague to the businesses and then went and walked around a few houses in Paden. She smiled the whole time :)

I have know idea why this is side ways b/c it isn't in my file but whatever turn your head a little! :)

Ringing the door bell!

here's our cute little duck! Everyone thought she was a chicken but the tag so duck so that's what we are going with ;)

We went to the eye doctor today to get the tubes they put in her tear ducts back in August removed, and I asked him about some concerns I had with her left eye and well here's the end result my own little pirate! She did really well wearing it. She has to wear it for two hours a day for two months. We go back in January and if it hasn't improved like he wants it to I will have a little cutie in glasses:)

Finally feeling like fall! and randomness

2011-10-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

I think every year I have posted about my love of fall! Seriously whats not to love?!? Well this year I'm doubly excited about it because it's Jaxxi first Halloween! I can not tell you how much this warms my heart! I have dreamed for years to be toting around a cute little bundle to get me and Shane some loot ;)
We have a fun weekend planned and it's all pretty much festive! Jaxxi is going to be a cute little duck and it's finally cooling off, I was worried it would be to hot for her to wear it, but there's a beautiful forecast for the next week!

We go tomorrow for ANOTHER ear check, she has pretty much had an ear infection for the last three months! If it's still infected I'm going to ask about an ENT referral. I'm just so tired of her having to be in pain so much!

On Thursday we have our first court date. The parents changed their minds about relinquishing their rights... So we are at the mercy of the judge and d.@. Everyone involved is still very positive just going to have to wait it out and it will probably be double the length of time it would if they relinquish. They still will have the opportunity to do that, at any point.

Shane is coming home! the weeks that he's gone seems so long, but on Tuesdays nights we are so excited to get to see him!

Also I noticed that I hit 300 post so yay me! lol! I hope everyone has a fun safe holiday weekend and maybe I can get some pics up after the boohaha parade we are going to on Saturday!

8 months

2011-10-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

You turned 8 months on October the 11th! You are getting so big and it makes me so sad at how fast the time goes by. We have had a blessed week with daddy being at home! You just seems happier with your daddy here. We went to the doctor for your third double ear infection since being moved to our home three months ago... but we did get to weigh you and you gaind 10oz. to 16 lbs. 10 oz. still a little runt ;)

You sit up so good on your own
Your favorite toy your book that sings to you
You still go through stages of wanting and not wanting baby food.
You LOVE puffs and your baby Cheetos's
You give sweet kiss
You clap really good now and it's the sweetest/cutest thing ever!
you have two bottom teeth
you play by yourself pretty good
Today you started trying to say mama, talk about melting my heart!
You LOVE Huck, and he loves you!

Our first trip to the pumpkin patch was a dream come true I have waited so many years, I prayed and hoped to bring you, our baby, to all the things I love about fall and God blessed us with you!

This was your second trip to the pumpkin patch with just mommy and daddy!

You couldn't actually ride the train this year but we got your picture in it any way ;)

You absolutely love animals! You got to ride a pony this month too! You laughed and giggled the whole time!

You are still changing my life every day and I can't wait to see what this next month brings and looking forward to our first Halloween!

Ashley

Pumpkin patch 2011

2011-10-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

Tish was down visiting her in-laws so we decided to take the kids to the pumpkin patch so we could get some photos :) Me and Shane will be take little miss next weekend to so we will get lots more cute pics :)

Bree was definitely are best picture taker she is ready for a pose at a moments notice!

Sawyer is such a cutie! He's busy so didn't get very many pictures of him!

This is mostly all I seen of Jarrett! He was not so much of picture taker either :)

Sweet boy!

My little sweetie looooooves animals so she was loving looking at the goats.

Jare and Jaxxi.

This picture makes me laugh. It will be 6 years till they are looking at the camera and smiling!

Jare and Jaxxi he loves her and she loves him! He only smiled b/c I told him Jaxxi wanted him to :)

Our sweet girls!

Thankful God blessed me with all these wonderful kiddo's in my life! I'm truly loving every moment!

Pumpkin patch sneak peek hope to get more on here tomorrow!

2011-10-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

The Call

2011-09-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

So Little Miss still has visit with her birth parents twice a month, these usually go off with out a hitch and I'm more than happy to share what's been going on and what new stuff she has been learning and doing, but the last two have been kinda strange. I knew something was up and it was honestly making me a little uneasy and nervous. So I contacted my social worker to see if they had begun talking relinquishment/termination of rights. and she said they hadn't begun those talks with the parents yet and weren't going to until the next family planning meeting with lawyers and counselors present. So I was still a little perplexed. I felt like they were telling her good bye and starting to let her go. Also telling me things they wished for her in the future. How she would be when she grew up and what they have allergies to and so on and so on. Then after our visit on Wednesday as we were leaving they asked to speak to our worker and so me and missy pants walked on out to the car with a home visit planned for Thursday. Well Thursday I got a call that they have decided they are ready to let her go and for me and Shane to move forward with the adoption! So things could be started as early as October 5! We couldn't be happier b/c I was prepared for a lot more drawn out process. Because up until this point they were going to continue to fight for her. Our worker told me yesterday that it shouldn't take more than 6 months for everything to be officially finalized! I honestly couldn't believe it! that will put her at a little over a year old!

It's funny what a difference a year makes. It was around this time last year that Shane yelled at me from the shower know how does this foster care thing work:) and from that our journey began. An my what a ways we have come. We are truly blessed and do not deserve an ounce of the favor God has shown us. I just find myself in tears humbled before God that he choose this little girl to have us as parents. It also gives me a slight anxiety attack not to mess it up! They can still change their mind and make the process of this longer, but would you pray with us that things will go smoothly and for me as I go to the family planning meeting. I know God has every detail mapped out and for that I'm thankful. I have never had any control and it's a huge burden lifted off to know I'm just a long for the ride!

7 months

2011-09-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

I can not believe my baby is 7 months old! She is getting so big and learning stuff every day!

you weighs 16 lbs
you are 26 1/2 inches long
you had 3 ear infections in the past month :(
you are on Z yrtec everyday for allergies
A moxicillin (sp?) and A gmitten (sp?) give you severe diaper rash!
You are sitting up really good all on your own
you chew on everything!
you like to play with the blocks in you shape sorter
you wave bye bye and hello (sometimes with your sweet fingers and sometimes with your whole arm)
you clapped for Poppy for the first time
you bring your hands together when I say patty cake patty cake
you went to the zoo for the first time.
went to your first football game to watch you cousin Alec play!
you still eat 6 oz every 4 hours
you are not so much liking baby food but we are still giving it to you two times a day. you LOVE oatmeal. and baby cookies :)
You splash and make a big mess at bathtime!

Baby girl you are the sweetest happiest friendliest baby! and I couldn't be more happy to be your momma! Even through all this sickness with the expection of couple of nights you have continued to be your good natured self! You have changed my life in every possible way and I couldn't be more happy! At this stage you are very quite and do not talk much but I'm sure in a year we will not be able to get a word in edge wise :). We love you so much and can't remember life without you! :)

Jaxxi's Room... So far

2011-09-05T21:19:00.001-07:00

Yes she's almost 7 months old and yes I'm just now getting around to getting her room looking the way I want it! But it's better late than never! :)

Rug this pic was taken durning the still doing stuff process and I was trying to decide if I like it and I do. :)

This is a better pic of rug.

Wall decals her Daddy assembled!

Tree to hang towels and jackets on.

Crib, still have to put her name above it and maybe a few other things.

Top of dresser. Still have to put our pics in the frame. :)

Table right when u walk in. With her photo album and owl picture her mean Aunt Karen made her!

Book case Aunt Melissa and Uncle Kevin got her.

Close up of bookcase. Picture frame made by Brandy Pickard. Still need to get a few more things for this.

Just to precious not to post!

I still need bow holders and a picture or something above changing table then I think it will be perfect! For a perfect girl! :)

Ashley

Lack of Blogging!

2011-09-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of updates! I've been a little preoccupied plus everything I would LOVE to blog includes a pic of little Missy pants and I can't put her cute little face on the Internet yet! Plus I mostly do my blogging from my phone and I can't put the cute little heart over her face. So excuses, excuses! The bright side is we are getting Internet at home! I have done with out it for two+ years... But not anymore they finally offer DSL out our way! So excited, draw back since we are a new house they have to do construction so it could be 2-6 weeks! If you waited 2 years whats 6 weeks. :)

I wrote Jaxxi on my last post so I guess I the cats out of the bag for all you readers who don't know me in real life. We are naming her Jaxxi Mae Allen! Her name fits her perfectly just one more reason I know without a doubt this child was created for us. If I ever have doubts that God works out EVERY detail, He has probably got a good laugh at me the last few weeks! We all survived surgery, She was so good. We had a looong weekend though, but I know she handled it way better than I would. We had our first Doctor appt. and she weighs 15lbs 10oz and 26 1/2 inches long! She had a double ear infection at that appt. we go back next Monday for an ear check and I'm pretty certain that we are going to discover another ear infection. We may have an ear infection till some teeth pop through. :(

Shane is liking his new job. I like having him home on his 7 days off. He feels like he never has time to do anything and the truth is we have pretty much been on the move since we got Jaxxi a little over a month ago. I'm ready for life to slow down a bit. I'm afraid we are just picking up steam for all the stuff that goes on the last few months of the year. I mean we already have Christmas's with our family scheduled! She has put a new lease on the life lots of things I have been avoiding the last 5 years through infertility are suddenly fun again! Me and Shane can be sitting down to dinner with Jaxxi in her bum boo (sp?) seat and just look across at each other and smile b/c this is us living our dream. I don't think I have stopped asking myself how did we get so lucky but Praise God we did!

Want to look back and know what I was feeling in this moment and the thing I would say is hardest about parenting is just all the worry if you making the right decisions for her. Big or little decision just decisions. Gives me anxiety and last Saturday I think I had my first mental break down. Glad I got that out of the way. :)

Half Birthday!

2011-08-11T22:45:00.001-07:00

Jaxxi is six months old! She's been "ours" for almost three weeks and it's hard to remember life with out her! I was pretty nervous I wouldn't be able to wake up early every morning or know what to do with her all day, but I must say we are doing just fine and falling more in love every day! I will know her stats when we go to the doctor on the 22nd.

Went from 5oz every 3 hours to 6oz every 4
Moved up to a size 3 diaper.... the 2's still fit everywhere but your fat chubby legs!
Started blowing raspberry's
Started rolling over from front to back, and back to front
Started eating baby food... things we tried so far (Squash, Carrots, Sweet Potatoes, Green beans, Peas (her Favorite), Prunes, Applesauce)
Can sit up a few seconds by herself
Belly laughing
making baby talk
Drooling on everything!

We made it our first 7 days pretty much on our own. We miss daddy like crazy though, it makes me sad every new thing she does he doesn't get to see it first hand. I'm so thankful for the work he is doing to support our family! I go back to work on Tuesday. I'm sick over it. Hoping I can stick it out at least till we get insurance through Shanes job, but I'm not sure I can!!

Ashley

Update...

2011-07-28T08:07:00.001-07:00

We have Little miss in our home!!!! I'm so so excited! she has been with us since Monday and her worker says there is no real chance that she would ever go home! They have to give the parents every opportunity but the odds are definitely in our favor! So keep praying!! Her next court date is in October so hoping all goes well between now and then. We start visits with the parents the second week in August. She is so happy and adjusting well. She has to a have little medical procedure on her eyes in late August so please say a prayer that all goes well for that. Thanks in advance and thanks for all the love and support.

Just for your viewing pleasure :o) all the Allen cousins!

One cute bunch!

July 4th weekend!

2011-07-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

We had Little Miss over night for 4Th of July! We were so blessed to have her with us this year! She brings so much joy to our life!

This is her on the actual 4Th! I love her sweet bow!

First time meeting Uncle Kevin!

First time in a swimming pool! She absolutely loved it!

Me and baby girl! in her swimsuit Nana bought for her!

Nana and LM on July 3rd!

Kass's Bachlorette!

2011-07-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

My little sis is getting married in 8 days, tear, we had her bachlorette party last weekend! It reminded why I love being old and married! ha! We did have a blast and thanks for everyone that came out! These pics are in random order and I'm to lazy to fix them. so stuff.

Me, Jen and Lauren at what-a-burger after dancing the night away :)

This is my model pose! My entire outfit was less than 20 bucks!

My sis in law Melissa did a great job at creating the cake!

Me and the bride to be!

The Bridal party at Zio's

My SIL and brother

all of us minus Sarah who had to get back home.

All the cousins!

everyone at Zio's

My two lovely sisters!

We had a great time and I'm so ready for the wedding next weekend! Love ya Kass

5 months

2011-07-12T15:59:00.001-07:00

Little Miss is 5 months! Actually yesterday was her 5 month birthday.:) we are getting to see her once a week now and every time we see her she is doing something new!

• the last time we weighed her she was 14 lbs 2 oz

•she loves to rub our faces and rubs our arms when she is trying to go to sleep!

• she's turned into a binky girl big time!

• I'm pretty sure she's teething, she drools every where!

• yesterday morning she rolled over for me! She really isn't to interested in rolling though.

•she loves looking at a bird on her floor mat.

• she makes the cutest faces when she cries, we let her cry for just a little bit because it's so stinking cute.

•she talks and jabbers in car seat more than any other place.

• she's sleeps from 9 or 9:30 p.m. To 8:30 or 9:00 am stays up about an hour and takes a nap around 10 or 10:30 and the naps again about 3 this her best and longest nap.

•she drinks 5oz every 4 hours a rice cereal bottle in the afternoon and before bed.

•she loves bath time just hates getting her hair washed! As soon as Shane finishes washing her body she starts crying bc she knows her hair is next!

There's probably more that I'm missing but want to make sure and get some of it documented! Can't wait to see her grow and learn how her personality changes!

Ashley

More newness

2011-07-11T22:13:00.001-07:00

Shane starts a new job tomorrow! We are very excited and hope it helps make our future more stable bc it's not just us anymore and it felt like the opportunity was right! Anywho he leaves tomorrow and won't be back till next Tuesday night or Wednesday :(... But the Good news is I get him for 7 whole days after that! So it will be an adjustment, but it will be worth it!

So we are off to another adventure in the Allen household! Today we had to get him some supplies and we had Missy pants with us! Here she is with her daddy!

I'm going to miss him like crazy but thankful he'll do what it takes to provide for us! Thanks babes!

Ashley

God's Promises

2011-07-02T07:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't gotten a chance to really sit down and write out my thoughts of what the last month have meant to me... I really didn't know how to put it in words. I'm not going to lie and say I had no fear coming into the world of foster/adopting because the truth is I had many. If I let myself I could be completely crippled by them. I will admit that there have been a time or two I've given into the fear, and have had to surrender again the whole thing to God. It's pretty laughable to think that there is even anything else to do but surrender. Back in April the week before Easter I got the nerve to ask my social worker about LM and she said there was a chance of her being able to come to our home. I was elated. I remember crying, really more like sobbing in the shower after I called everyone to share the good news. I was just so relieved after five years of bad news we were finally getting what seemed like a YES! I was completely over taken with joy praising God through my tears.

So almost immediately after I received the good email my mind traveled to a million question mode. I emailed her back and asked if I should be getting things ready for her. Her email left me a little discouraged and I was pretty bummed. Then it hit me that it wasn't a no just not right now and refused to feel defeated. So instead I decided in that moment that it was all up to God if she would be ours. for a short while or forever... Then May came and went and still no news really to speak of it was a really hard month! Then at the beginning of June we got the call that we would get her for a week of respite care and we couldn't be happier but I still wasn't sure what the future held but we had a week with this precious girl and I couldn't refuse it! the the current foster mom called and the first thing out of her mouth was she will probably be adoptable. The feeling I got after that phone call was like affirmation that she would be ours.

So here we are a month later and still now solid news, we do know they are moving her to us probably by the end of July and we are just patiently ok maybe not so patiently :) but waiting no the less. God spoke to me through verse Revalations 21:5 when my grief was still so raw then again on then again through a preacher in early July 2010 I can't help but smile when I think he has made EVERYTHING NEW!

So I will rejoice in his promises for making everything new, and reap the harvest of what he planted! Thank you lord for giving me joy unspeakable!

This picture makes my heart do flip flops to watch Shane be a dad is one of the best things I have ever witnessed! LM is one lucky lady! I never doubted Shane would be a fantastic father, but he has way exceded my expectations!
Our first family photo! The only time I ever get really sad is when I think we will never have a truly complete family photo. But this is our life now and man it sure looks beautiful!

(once the adoption is finalized I will be taking off the heart stickers so you can see her sweet beautiful face!)

I am Blessed!!!

Almost wordless wednesday

2011-06-29T17:11:00.001-07:00

She has a captive audience!

Ashley

The latest!

2011-06-27T12:04:00.001-07:00

Well on June 12th we had our wonderful week of respite care with little miss! We fell even more head over heels for her! She is so sweet and such a good baby! On Saturday when her foster mom came to pick her up she cried and was looking around for me... As soon as we got back in the house I lost it, it was so hard to see her leave and I knew it would b a long week of waiting for news.

By Saturday I was in a pretty bad funk just very discouraged and having a terrible time surrendering this to God. I just needed a little bit of reassurance and that afternoon I got the call! They had told her current foster mom they were ready to move her to our home! I still have yet to hear this from my worker but such is life! I'm taking whatever good news I can! So we will keep trusting God, believing in his promises as this process goes forward, but as of now still such positive things going on!

Just praising God for his faithfulness!

Ashley

A little dirty

2011-06-20T12:34:00.001-07:00

The kids decided to play in the mud at nans! Who knew a little dirt could b so fun:)

Ashley

Another Great day!

2011-06-05T20:21:00.001-07:00

We had another great day with LM! We can not get enough of her! She met a lot more family and I think everyone fell in love at first sight! :) she's such a sweet sweet baby! She is so good and seems very content! I'm so happy she takes so well with us, that's one thing they look for! We got more good news this week I pray that trend continues!

I find that I doubt it will all work out in-between visits, but when she's here I feel like she just fits with us! That may stem from not having any thing good really happen for us as far as having a baby. Just have to cling to the good! it was a lot harder to say good bye yesterday bc I knew it would be over a week till we would see her again. :(

In Daddy's hat shading from the sun :)

Ashley

Almost Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-01T21:22:00.001-07:00

I think she loves the men in her life! And if you cant tell Im pretty sure they love her! :) Can't wait to spend time with her again on Saturday!

Ashley

Memorial weekend

2011-05-31T15:28:00.001-07:00

On Friday night my mom, My nephew Derrick, and my niece Reyanne came down to spend the night and hang out this weekend. The boys plan was to fish and the girls was shopping!

Found this cute little dress :)

These boys haul for the day!

Enjoying the fruits of there labor :)

Then today I had my mom, grandma, brother, sisters, spouse, niece, nephews, huck, boomer, and ruger all come over for a memorial day cook out!

Yummy chips and salsa!

Bubba and Grandma

Heather, kass and mom

Derrick trying to chop down a dead tree.

Kevin and Shane cooking the meat.

Ruger puppy! He's wore out from all the company:)

Huck and Boomer are inseparable when they are together! Huck cried for 30 minutes after he left looking out the window waiting for him to come back. :(

After we stuffed our faces we headed outside for a game of kick ball!

The best news of all this weekend is we get to get LM (little miss) tomorrow all day :) we are beyond excited! So at 10:00 am we will be picking up our future we hope daughter!!

And this is her first day at home outfit! <3

Ashley

So Far So Good!

2011-05-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

Our social worker came by the house last night for us to sign our contracts and be "officially approved" to be foster parents. We have known about the possibility of the placement of the baby girl since before Easter! Talk about patience. :) All we knew for sure was the week of respite care. Last night she confirmed that the baby will be transitioned in to our home! She told us to get excited. Well of course we are! She wanted to see the nursery and was surprised to see that it transformed into a little girls nursery :) My mom has gotten a ton of stuff so we were prepared for boy or girl! She is native American and the current foster family she is with isn't so since we are tribal that helps us tremendously! The Foster family she is currently with have had her since she left the hospital so she has been loved from the moment she was born and for that we are grateful!

I realize we are dealing with "the system" and things can change at any moment, but I'm just trusting and believing that God has all this worked out for us. As my Grandma Corene told me last night she's praying; it will go so smooth that it will be just like we had her.:) I wont be able to share her name on here. So I think I will refer to her as "little miss" for future post. We have people making bows and we can't wait to get her a dress for my sisters wedding coming up in July! I can't believe I'm going to be a mom to a baby in my arms not just in my heart!

Quick Update!

2011-05-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

I just received a phone call today asking if we were interested in keeping a 3 month old baby girl... And of course I said yes! So far we will have her one week June 12-18Th so be praying that goes smoothly. I guess depending on how that week goes she maybe transitioned into our home! I'm not sure how everything works at DHS but I'm hoping that's a good thing. So I'm asking for prayers that everything will work out and she will end up being able to stay with us! I'm So ready to embark on this adventure and terrified of getting hurt. I know God is in control and I just have to trust that all will go according to his will. Thanks for all the prayers in advance. :)

P.S. I will will most definitely be counting down the next 19 days!

Never to old for a first!

2011-05-22T22:31:00.001-07:00

This weekend I ran/walked my first 5k! This time last year I said I would never run... Well I'm still not a true fan of running but it's good exercises and it's fun to race! Plus you get a T-shirt! my goal was 45 minutes. Yes slow to most but I have yet to do it that fast so I was hoping to make it at that. Well I finished in 46:12! I'm a little mad I didn't push myself a little harder to get the 45! Such is life and I'm already registered for my next race! Ha!

Mine and my Sis Kass race numbers!

My SIL Tish and our friend Michelle ran their first half marathon! And they lived to tell the tale:) I'm so proud of them!

Me Kass and Jen before the race!

I don't have any after pics on my phone but we did finish! My Sis Kass kept pushing me to go faster and I kept making her see if we were last! :)

Ashley

Our Life As We Know It...

2011-05-19T11:54:00.001-07:00

Is about to Change!

I haven't blogged about what we have been up to the last 6 months. We have been going through the process to foster/adopt with DHS and we just got approved!! We are so Ready! After 27 hours of class, 3 homestudy visits, and lots of paperwork. Now we are ready to love on some sweet babies!

God has given us complete peace in the next chapter of our life. To us this may have been our plan B put to God this was always his plan A. I know as soon as we have a baby in our arms everything that has happened in the last 5 years will be for not. There is a Chance we will have a placement very, very soon. So please be praying that everything will go as smoothly as it can! Of course I will keep you all posted on how this unfolds!

Ashley

New addition!

2011-05-10T11:21:00.001-07:00

On Saturday me and mom went to the Jenks city wide garage sales... We were heading into our last neighborhood when I seen a sign for free puppies! Shane has been wanting a big outside dog so I told mom I just want to look... And well looking led to love :)

This sweet face stole my heart! Shane decided his name is Ruger!

He's going to be huge! He's 8 weeks and 15 lbs!

Meeting his new buddy for the first time!!

Fast friends :) Shane is pretty nuts over him!

Wanted to play!

Shane texted me and told me to look out the window... Huck was asleep on his lap and Ruger was asleep under the table!

Tired after his first day home! :)

Huck is a jealous toot! The only time he will even look at him is if Ruger is trying to get on of Hucks toys:) huck is a snob but we love him to pieces anyway :)

Ashley

Saturday and Sunday in Woodward

2011-04-25T09:49:00.001-07:00

We finished off our super busy week with a super busy weekend! We attempted to go for a walk on Saturday morning and let's just say we didn't get so far before we had to go home.... Next I took Bree and Jare to McDonalds

Then we went to Woodward First Assembly egg hunt!

Lots of crazy ppl to pick up eggs:)

Jare getting all the eggs!

Checking out his loot... There was nothing in them u had to get the candy after the hunt... Kinda weird but o well!

Sitting in the medaflight chopper! Jarrett wanted to go for a ride! :)

Fixing to slide down the big slide!

Later that night we went to the Miss Woodward Pageant!

Fixing to leave, Shane hates pictures!

Waiting for it to start!

Intermission

Sunday morning we got all dolled up for church!

Convincing Shane to smile for a picture!

Guess he gave in sorta :)

Three of the four little hunters ready to go!

Sawyer gathering up eggs!

Here are a couple of pictures my friend Brandy took they look awesome!

We way needed a new family pic the last one was at our wedding 5 yrs ago!

So much cuteness can hardly stand it!

We had a great trip! Love spending time with the Woodward bunch! I had a few moments when I kept thinking that Sawyer should have another little guy to hunt eggs with... Jaxx is never far my mind holidays are still pretty hard but God has truly restored my heart for him and it's not anywhere near ad raw as it once was. I'm thankful to celebrate the risen lord! And thankful he helped us make it home safe!
Ashley

Coloring of the eggs!

2011-04-22T22:17:00.001-07:00

Easter has so many vivid memories for me... I love this time of year and the newness spring brings! So tonight we dyed Easter eggs with the kiddos they had a blast and i had a blast watching them!

I remember being a young girl and getting to color what seemed like a hundred eggs in cream with on stripe of brown on the top of our coffee cups. And then getting in the bath so we could get our hair wet for the sponge rollers and the feel of sleeping on them all night! Then waking up to our new matching dresses and Easter baskets. Then after church mom always had a equally cute matching outfit but more casual for our Easter egg hunt! :) I miss being little!

I say all that to say I hope that Bree, Jare, Sawyer, and Graydon will always remember this time with us. Yes I know it's just coloring hard boiled eggs but this is what life is made up of. Tradition, family and making memories... I'm thankful to have people I love and love me back in my life! Now for the fun stuff pics :)

Jare patiently waiting to open the eggs!

Bree waiting to:)

Bree wanted Nane to help her I had Jare and Tish had Saw!

Sawyer first Egg dying party

Graydon in on the action!

Daddy made Jaxx his annual Easter Egg! Missing and loving him!

Of course you have to eat some too! It's hard work :)

My two loves :)

We had a blast and aren't slowing down yet Easter egg hunt tomorrow afternoon and Miss Woodward tomorrow night!

Ashley

Good Friday

2011-04-22T16:00:00.001-07:00

Another busy day in Woodward! Was waken up way before my normal get up time:) got showered and headed to the library to visit with some old co-workers I miss dearly! Then we headed to one of my favs Playa Azul I love there Fajitias! Then we decided to go to get the kids Easter pictures made... That was an adventure!

This is how we felt about it by the end! :)

This is how we felt when we decided to head for some ice cream! Ha!

Chocolate faces!!

And I just woke up from this...

Busy day and still have a cram packed weekend ahead!

Ashley

A field trip!

2011-04-21T12:47:00.001-07:00

We ventured to Boiling Springs today for Breeana's school field trip. There was a ton of kids and it was COLD!!!

Bree is the one in light pink jacket up high :)

Me and Jarrett

Sawyer chilling in his stroller!

Standing in line waiting to start Easter egg hunt.

The next few are action shots!

Like I said before it was cold! So Huck got bundled up in my Jacket :)

The end of the day!

Home Project!

2011-04-13T07:17:00.001-07:00

Since we got our house the number one thing I have wanted to fix is take out the nasty carpet! Well on Sunday Shane got the idea that he wanted to change the carpet too! So on Monday we headed to Lowes...

Here's the basket full of our goodies.

The not so nice carpet... Those are some of Hucks bones we found about 15 under there!

Carpet ripped up!

Shane hard at work!

I LOVE it! It looks so much cleaner and opens the space up! Shane still has to do the trim but it is already a huge improvement!

Hopefully we can do the living room and hallway soon!

Ashley

Girls Weekend

2011-04-10T18:41:00.001-07:00

I have had really fun weekend! I had to work on Saturday morning then headed to Tulsa to hang out with Madison and Jennifer! We went shopping till the shops closed down!

Here's Madison modeling some super skinny jeans and her new Toms :) her legs are super skinny!

After we went shopping we went and visited my dad in the hospital he had lapband surgery on Thursday and has been throwing up ever since so they readmitted him on Saturday and he should get to come home tomorrow!

Later we went and watched the movie Soul Surfer. It was a great movie that focused on how God can give us strength through any tragedy... I recommend this movie highly very inspiring.

Today we went to church at NewSpring Assembly and it was a great service, had a yummy lunch at Santa Fe, then headed to Mounds to play with Madison! She made us take camp Maddie! She a tough drill instructor ;)

Me and Jen waiting for our next task!

I love spending time with these girls wish it could have been longer but some one needed his mama!

Ashley

Weight loss month 3!

2011-04-06T21:58:00.001-07:00

Well this month was really rough going! From the end of February to really two weeks ago I kind of fell off the wagon... I was still exercising and walking just not as much and with no real motivation... I think it was Jaxx's birthday, spring break, family visiting whatever it was I'm mad at myself about it!

My jeans are getting looser Buying a size smaller in shirts! I really do feel the best I've felt in two years maybe even the best I've felt before our infertility journey started! That folks is God! I thank him every day for waking me up and watering my weary soul.

Pic on right is me at 223 on the left is 215.8

January left now right

Still training for 5k consistently running it around 50 min. By race day want to be running it in 45. We joined a gym this month so I've started weight training and elliptical. My goal for this month is be at least 210! Happy losing :)

Ashley

Happy 85th!

2011-04-04T10:29:00.001-07:00

My Grandma Pendergrass turned 85 yesterday, 85 I can't fathom getting to the age and living that much life! I can't imagine how our world has changed in her life span! I'm thankful the lord has continued to bless her with good health and letting us enjoy her a lot longer! I love you Grandma and Happy Birthday!

Just a couple of pics we took after her birthday lunch!

Ashley

Houston, we have a porch! :)

2011-03-19T15:17:00.001-07:00

For Christmas this year from Brett and Brenda we decided to use Christmas money plus the money from our housewarming party to get a porch for our new house! They started it at thanksgiving and with the cold and crazy scheduled didn't get to work on it till this weekend... I really love it! Having a covered porch will b so nice !

Progress yesterday!

Earlier today!

Almost finished!

Just a different angle. We still have to get the hanging down rail things don't know there proper name. :) and the hand rail for the other side. Grandma Pendergrass will b happy :)

Huck has ran around like mad man today I think at one point he was even on the roof! He's all tuckered out and tired of doing this! :)

Thanks Brett and Brenda for the present and the labor! :) I'm blessed in the in-law department!

Ashley

Zoo trip in pics!

2011-03-16T20:41:00.001-07:00

We decided to go to the OKC zoo on a record setting attendance day! There were people Everywhere!!!! We had fun just wore smooth out!!!!'

Ashley

Weight loss month 2!

2011-03-04T11:51:00.001-08:00

I'm not so thrilled with my weight loss this month I have lost 16 lbs total so an average of 2 lbs a week even though I lost most of that in the beginning.

But now for the highs this Month! I got back in last years jeans and know I look better in them then I did last year! This is the really big victory dance moment... I went to get remeasured for my bridesmaid dress, I had went sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas and was measured for a size 22w dress... This time I was measured for a 16w dress!!!! I couldn't believe it! I did a little dance right inside that bridal shop :)

I had lost 4 inches around my hips! I have lost 13 total inches in two months! So even though I didn't lose very much in terms of numbers I feel like the 16 lbs I have lost finally vanished from body! So yay!

These pics are from January 6, Feb. And March

I told Shane it's like my belly is going upwards and he said that's called shrinking :) well whatever it is I like it!!!

I'm still doing the lose it app, tae Bo, shred it with weights, but I have recently started couch 2 5k app since the weather has been nice if all goes well may run the 5k in Woodward this June!

Ashley

Branson, Bree and Jaxx birthdays!

2011-03-01T12:55:00.001-08:00

On Friday we got up way early and hit the road at 5:05 :) we were all excited it had been since San Antonio that we all got to go somewhere fun together and Bree was one!

These were these are the balloons we got Jaxx for his grave stone but the wind was terrible so we just took a picture :)

Bree was the birthday girl for the day! This is her at breakfast!

Me and Tish sporting Rabbit top hats :)

Birthday girl hat!

Me and Tish playing DDR at Fun Spot in Branson!

These are the flowers that Shane got me for Jaxx birthday! He's so sweet!

This was our late night binge after playing in the pool for an hour!

Bree and her birthday cake ice cream!

Bree loving on her Nane!

Me and Shane at the Branson Landing!

The water show at Branson!

Me and Shane went to the Pierce Arrow show. It was really good. Very fun comedian!

On Sunday on the treck home decided to go the precious moments chapel Shane had never been and it's been forever since I have.

These are so cute!

The door into the chapel.

Hallelujah square. Can't wait to b reunited one day!

This was to show jesus has risen from the tomb!

We had a great trip. My heart was hurting all day on Saturday but to laugh with family is some of the best medicine! I love and Miss jaxx with all my heart happy 2nd heavenly birthday!!

Ashley

Jaxxon's Birthstory (very long post)

2011-02-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't written this yet I don't exactly know why. Maybe I couldn't find the words and I'm sure I still can't but I want to write down so that I won't forget. It feels like forever and yesterday rolled into one!

Wed. February 25, 2009 was Breeana's 3rd birthday and I was so bummed I was on bed rest at Tulsa and not getting to spend her birthday with her in Woodward. I was super excited for my doctors appt. To establish a relationship with an ob/gyn in Tulsa in case anything should happen. I had already been in the hospital once with cramps. Went to the doctor and everything was fine. Baby was measuring good I hadn't went into labor, my urine was a little cause for concern so they sent that off to be tested. (I never heard what was going on with that) We made an appt to do another anatomy scan b/c there was conflicting reports on if my placenta was anterior or posterior so she needed to get a good and accurate read on where that was. So I left with hope that the previa had corrected its self and I would be on my home in a couple of weeks on light activity and all would be fine. I remember getting home that afternoon and thinking that I could breathe a little easier. Then around 7 o'clock I just started feeling bad. Like I was getting a bug or something it was the end of February so it wouldn't be unheard of. I remember my mom coming over and giving me the cutest camo stuff for my precious boy to wear. Shane would be so thrilled to see those cute little booty's. I told her mom I just don't feel right she was a little worried and told me to call if I needed anything. Right before I went to bed that night I passed a really large blood clot sorry TMI but's an important point in the story. I called my step mom in the bathroom and showed her and she bagged and said she would take it in first thing in the morning She worked with my new ob. but it never made it there.

Thursday Feb. 26, 2009 It was the middle of the night and I had to go use the restroom not unusual at almost 22 weeks pregnant. I was having to share a bed with my sis and I was driving her crazy with the constant up and down. I was sitting on the toilet and I just started sobbing b/c I was scared that I was going to lose this baby. I remember crying out to God on that stool that my baby would be ok. I hadn't done anything out of the ordinary just in my heart I knew something was wrong. I went and laid back down and about 30 min. later I started bawling and hurting not really anything major just discomfort. I woke my sis and up and she was pretty ticked at first b/c she had to be a work at 8 in the morning so by 3:30 she was getting concerned about me and went woke up my step mom. I had rented a fetal monitor and told her to listen to his heart rate and make sure he was fine and in no distress. I remember listening to it thinking all will be ok he's still doing fine and squirming around in there. Almost immediately after we started listening to his heartbeat the contractions started. We didn't know at first were contractions thought it may be a kidney stone since my urine was bad and my stomach wasn't tightening. So we kept waiting and timing and the cramps kept getting closer together. I had tried to call Shane several times with no answer I didn't know he had taken a Tylenol pm b/c he hadn't been sleeping worrying about me and since we got a good report at the doctors he felt he could get some sleep. By 6:00 I was in terrible pain like doubled over crawling on the floor pain! I called Brett and Brenda's house hoping they could go wake up Shane and tell him we were going to the hospital. I remember Brett saying they were on there way and the loved me and he would be praying. I could hear the worry in his voice and I just started bawling. I tried to go to the restroom on last time before they put me in the car and remember dropping to my knees in so much pain. My dad called my grandparents to tell them to be praying and my sister was packing clothes for work b/c she would go in a soon as we found out everything was ok.

The Car Ride- I tried to start out in the front seat and made all the way out of the neighbor hood before I had to lay down in the back seat. I remember it hurting so bad and feeling so much pressure I could hardly stand it I remember telling Dawn (step mom) over and over again I didn't want to lose my baby, I couldn't lose my baby. She just kept saying Ashley calm down breathe and if you feel like you have to push DON'T!

The Hospital- We let the valet park our car, Dawn runs in and gets a wheel chair I remember being just out of it from the pain. Spaced out may be a better word. We get up to Labor and Delivery to tell them we are here b/c we had called head. There happened to be another Ashley Allen that had just delivered the day before so they thought I was her. I remember sitting in the wheel chair yelling that I was in labor and the better hurry up or they would have a clean up on aisle 1 lol it's kinda funny now not so much then. I remember them wheeling me in an exam room and making me undress so they could check me and I kept saying you can't check me I have a previa and it could make me go into labor even though I knew I already was. Well my bag of water was already bulging so they rushed me in the delivery room and was frantically trying to get my iv in and trying to tell me how to breathe. one nurse grabbed my head and said ASHLEY LOOK AT ME BREATHE!! I kept telling the nurses they couldn't put the IV in b/c I was scared of needles I felt like I was on drugs and hadn't even gotten any yet. At some point Dr. G got there and was suited up I still didn't have my IV yet and she looked at me and said you have to push. I looked her straight in the eye and said he's not going to make it is he. I remember her eyes filled with tears as she said no... You have to get him out now. So I pushed and cried and pushed and cried. At 7:33 my precious baby boy entered in to this world and his heart beat and he was alive. There was no person in my room who didn't have tears in there eyes nurses had to leave and come back in b/c they couldn't handle it. I remember screaming how can people who don't want their babies have them with no problem. After I had him and the nurse cleaned him up she said would you like to hold him and I quickly said no. Then she said he still has a heartbeat are you sure you don't want to. Dawn said Ashley I really think you need to. He looks fine he is totally normal just very small. So I decided he needed to know I was there and I loved him. I just remember sobbing as they brought him to me. Then I heard my mom running in the hall saying I want in there. I don't know how much time had passed and the nurse looked at us and said he's gone.... That was the worst day of my life. I looked at Dawn and told her she had to call Shane b/c there was no way I could tell him that my body had failed and our son had just died. I heard the phone conversation and he didn't believe her at first and made her put me on the phone. I repeated what she had just said and told him he had fingers that looked just like his and that's when Shane completely lost it. They were still at least an hour out.

After He was Born- I don't know how my family got there so fast but by 8 I had at least 15 people in my room to love and support me. That's why I love my family they are right there when we need them. I remember pictures and foot prints being made. Tears lots of tears, and hugs. I asked how long we would keep him with us and they said as long as we wanted. I remember Shane walking in that room and I was just immediately comforted. He's my home my rock and I hated him not there. He scooped Jaxx up in on arm and just cried I don't even think he looked at him at first he just held him and cried. In that moment I loved Shane more than I could ever imagine. He was a father. We kept Jaxx with us all day and all night and I could tell our parents were getting antsy that we were going to keep putting off calling the funeral home for them to come and get him. So with the help of our parents we handed him off for the last time and it was the worst most empty feeling you could ever imagine.

Friday February 27,2009- Brett took me and Shane from the hospital I remember looking at the hospital thinking that I should have a baby not be going home empty handed. We all went to speedy's in glenpool to eat. Waiting to go to the funeral home to make arrangements. We had never had to do that. It was easier than I thought b/c I was getting to be a parent I had something to do which I wanted.

Saturday February 28, 2009- Mom took me shopping to get something to wear to the funeral and to get a bible with his name on it to put in his casket. I remember being in the target dressing room and losing it b/c I tried on a dress that made me still look pregnant. I just wanted to get out of the store right that second I wasn't ready for the real world. People probably thought I was a nutso. I kinda am! :)

Sunday March 1, 2009- We had the viewing and I was so touched that so many people came to show us that they loved us and cared for us. It was a little overwhelming. I didn't think so many people would care for someone they only knew b/c they knew us.

Monday March 2, 2009- We had the funeral at First Baptist Glenpool and there were so many people there my heart was overfull for the love and outpouring of support we received in our worst moment of grief. God gave us peace beyond our own understanding that day that we could laugh a little and enjoy being with our families. I'm still in awe of people and so grateful for the generosity towards us. People will never know how many tears we cried of pure gratefulness.

It was the fastest and slowest weekend of my life and I will forever be changed by it.

I Hope You Never Grow UP!

2011-02-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight

Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret

I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart

No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off

At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too

And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred

And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home

Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off

It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart

And even through to you want to
Please try to never grow up

Don't you ever grow up

(Never grow up)

Just never grow up

I can not believe that my first neice is already 5! She changed my life in so many ways and I'm thankful to be her aunt! Through our years of infertitlty some time her hugs, and slobbery kisses, and I love you so much Aunt Ash's is all that has kept me sane! She is one special girl and let me tell you she knows it! ha! I just can't believe 5 years have passed and our life has been blessed by her so much! Aunt Ash and Uncle Nane love you more than you will ever know Breezy! I heard this Taylor Swift song on her new CD and it made me think of how fast we grow up. It made me think of her!

(pause my music on the bottom of my blog and listen to this song!)

Birthday Fun!

2011-02-19T20:10:00.001-08:00

We traveled to Woodward for our nephew Sawyers 1st birthday and our niece Bree's 5th birthday! They are growing up completely to fast!!

He's shoveling it in!!

The Birthday girl! Still can't believe she's 5!

Jare had a hard time understanding why his brother and sister had a party and not him! :)

Y did we even buy gifts? He was happy with the box!

Ashley

We are here again...

2011-02-04T22:41:00.001-08:00

It's February again and that means it's the time of year that I will never forget and never want to I was blessed with meeting my Jaxx but man I miss him. There's just two many triggers in this month! I've survived almost two years. Even though he is still on the forefront of my mind the pain isn't as intense. Scary yes but I think it's healthy. There's some exciting things we are looking forward to just having to wait on Gods timing and praying it all goes as smooth as it can! Hope to share more when there's a more firm thing to share. No I'm not pregnant but it's still pretty exciting things for us! So just be in prayer that we can just go with it. :)

We have been snowed in for a week and it doesn't look promising for next week either! I'm just so thankful for heat and food!

Just for fun thought I would share a pic of Shanes snow hair :)

That's our porch that didn't have any snow on it when we went to bed and woke up to it covered again!

Ashley

Weight loss month 1

2011-02-03T21:09:00.001-08:00

Well I'm taking these a bit early but I just couldn't wait! :) this month has been pretty good. Thought I would lose more but that's ok. Still motivated! I have lost 13 pounds total and 5 1/2 inches off!

The pics below I was actually surprised by the changes the exercise is changing my shape and I'm happy about it!

Left is at 225.4 right is at 223 so only lost two pounds in between pics bit can still se differences thought I was working out for no reason!

Counting calories+tae Bo+ Jillian Michaels shred it with weights+ elliptical. Is my what I've been doing!

U should hop over to Tish's blog she looks great! Her blog is on my side bar. I'm so proud of us! This is the longest I've ever stuck to anything. Just want to keep going!

Ashley

Bree's version of a makeover :)

2011-01-31T04:34:00.001-08:00

That should give u a chuckle this Monday morning! Have a good day!

Ashley

Cheated...

2011-01-13T12:06:00.001-08:00

These are some of the the thing I feel infertility/losing my son has cheated me...

1. The feeling of being less than a woman. People give so much regard to women who can carry and give birth to a baby. As they should just makes me feel less than.

2. Being able to see Shane be the great father I know he is/ will be.

3. Being able to make mine and Shane's parents loving dotting grandparents. ( this ons hurts my heart more than u can imagine.)

4. Getting to come up with a cute and creative ways to make the "big announcement"

5. Feeling like my life is on hold... But no way to know what it's on hold for. Always planning for what if. ( yes this is a choice, but mostly you just feel lost)

6. Having a baby shower and organizing cute tiny little baby clothes that u can imagine your bundle of cuteness in.

7. Having family in the waiting room hugging and laughing about the birth of our baby. Instead of red eyes and a bunch of questioning why.

These are just a few of the things that were on my heart and want to remember them when I have that miracle in my arms! Im Still living, still hoping...

Ashley

let's get it started!

2011-01-07T10:30:00.001-08:00

Well, It's about that time, you know the time to lose weight! This isn't really a New Year's resolution. I was asked by my little sister to be a bridesmaid in her wedding back in like October... Well I knew I didn't want to be the fat bridesmaid so I decided to lose weight! I probably should have decided in October, but stuff. lol. So Tish and Brandy are helping me stay on track we are going to reach our goal weights!!!

I want ok need to lose 50 lbs.

I decided to do this in shorter goals. I started out at 236 yes that's my heaviest!!! I almost had a heart attack when it went up that high. but the pounds just kept creeping on! So as of yesterday I was 225.4! 10.6 lbs. down!!!! So by the end of January I would like to lose 7 more pounds to be the size I was when I got pregnant with Jaxxon. Then by the end of March I would like to be 200. Then by the end of May be 185. I have til July 23rd to keep losing but really the beginning of July to make sure my dress and everything fits!

SORRY THESE PICS ARE SO BLURRY MY IPHONE HAS DECIDED TO START TAKING BLURRY PICS!

and I pretty much just use my phone for a camera b/c my laptop wont upload pics to blogger for some reason! Maybe I just need all new equipment :)

I'm a little nervous and a lot self conisous to post these. I figure you have all seen me anyway so stuff. I think this will help me be a lot more accountable and motivated b/c I plan on posting updated pics every month!

1/5/2011 225.4 lbs.

Ashley

Last and final Christmas!

2011-01-05T14:32:00.001-08:00

By our fifth Christmas we were pretty much Christmased out! But it was a lot of fun and I'm glad we went!

Shane and Adam... They have a man crush on each other :) they are still smiling bc we hadn't kicked their tales yet at cranium!

Thats Madison smiling for the camera. And that's some if the women on the winning Cranium team! :)

Me and Jen!

And we are victorious! :)

And a horses arse trophy is our prize:)

Better luck next year boys :)

Ashley

Christmas #4

2011-01-04T17:15:00.001-08:00

With everyones crazy schedules this year we had to have Christmas after christmas:) but it was actually better bc it gave us more time to shop plus an excuse to get Christmas decorations for way cheap!

Huck knew we were leaving for the day so he tried to be a stow away! He was almost to cute to make stay home!

Kass, Robby, and Alec!

Grandma Pendergrass, our Christmas was on NYE it was kind of neat to see another year with her!

Hucks Christmas present thanks Boomer :)

This is Katie playing Dance Central on my nephew kinnect. That's how we rang in the New Year! By the way I went underrated on my dance moves :)

Last pic of 2010!

2011 is going to be a Good Year!

Ashley

Christmas # 3

2011-01-04T16:51:00.001-08:00

On Christmas day we traveled back from Woodward to Glenpool where my dad lives. We were HUNGRY and NOTHING was open except IHOP so me and Shane, kassie and Robby, and Chris (my step brother) to enjoy a Christmas dinner.

Then on Sunday everyone was at dads to open presents and enjoy being with each other.

Dad and his favorite child Tonka :)

Us and our 2 dollar bills :)

Then we finished out the day playing games!

It was a great Christmas!

Ashley

another year that come and gone...

2010-12-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

Well 2010 has came and went. I remember on New Years Eve thinking this year would be a better year for us. In some ways it has and some ways nothing has changed. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I pretty much let this year just go by. I'm giving myself a by I needed more time to heal more time to grieve. But next year I'm bound to determine myself to not just loaf around. I'm still going to grieve I don't think I will ever stop but it's time to quit letting it consume my life. I think it has a time and place and there will still be moments of sadness and weakness, but I'm vowing to make them more few and far between. I think as a baby loss mom you think the hurt is what makes you remember them, and the truth is it's our heart and our love that keeps there memory alive. This Christmas seemed harder than last year. I think I was still in shock or thought that we would just magically get pregnant, and this year I think I was finally realistic about our situation. I've been grieving that to. Not giving up, just letting myself believe that our plan may not be for me to carry our baby. So yes baby making and infertility were still at the forefront for 2010. There were some good things also.

January

We rang in the New Year at OKC with Andy and Lacy!

February

We Celebrated this little guys birth! 2/15/2010

Breeana turned 4

And we Celebrated Jaxxon's first birthday with Jesus! 2/26/2009

March
March was pretty uneventful so no pics or anything :(

April

We took our first trip to the zoo!

Got to celebrate Easter with my mom and all my brother and sisters!

May

We took Huck on his first lake trip Memorial day weekend! He wasn't a fan :)

June

We celebrated Jarrett's 2nd Birthday!

The Woodward gang came and stayed with us for a few days!

Seen twilight's eclipse twice! yes this is a highlight in my year! Ha!

Shane had his 2nd fathers day...

July

We officially got our house loan approved and work began...

and as a result Shane ended up with this beauty! LOL!

(side note: this same brush pile will cause him to have a pretty nasty burn two months later)

Huck turned one! 7/26/2010

August

Officially first time home owners... and it feels great!

Our new drive way!

My little Sister got engaged! Wedding set for 7/23/2011

September

was much like march I managed to put no pics on the blog

but Shane got his burn, PTL he recovered nicely and fastly

We celebrated Shanes 27th and my 26th Birthdays! another year older...

October

We had our house warming party with a ton of family and friends!

We celebrated our 5th year of marriage! Still going strong!

November

My mom's family pic first one in well... a LONG time!

Spent Thanksgiving week with the Woodward bunch!

Got up way to early again for black Friday shopping!

Had our annual tree trimming...

December

Went to Bree's first Christmas program! we were proud of how well she did for her solo!

We finally started the construction of our porch!

We were blessed to get to go to Angel Fire, NM on a ski trip!

the down side we were both sick as dogs for most of it!

We had a very blessed Christmas with our family this year!

Bring on all 2011 has to offer!

Christmas time in Woodward!

2010-12-24T08:11:00.001-08:00

This year for Christmas we are spending it in the big town of Woodward, Ok ;) I traveled with my MIL on Tuesday and Shane Joined last night and we head out on Saturday sometime to enjoy some Christmases on my side of the family! But here's a little what we have been up to this week. :) These are all with my phone so some are a little grainy.

my niece bree whose almost 5 is very in to crafting right now and she made all of us the "helmets" too cute!

The helmets again!

My SIL new puppy Dozer he's loving on me! Him and Huck not so much love going on! Ha!

Bree took this pic of me and Huck. Huck moved right when she snapped it!

Bree ready to rip into those PRESENTS!

Jarrett ready to start too! This year he was more interested in just opening gifts then whats inside! We could have gave him toilet paper and he would have been happy :)

Sawyer enjoying his first Christmas!

I think Shane liked his spot light!

Shane opening his stocking!

I'm thinking he liked this CD

I probably wont be posting in the next day so I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and to any BLM reading this thinking of all our sweet babies and what it means to us because there are presents missing under all of our trees...
Ashley

Ski trip 2010

2010-12-21T08:32:00.001-08:00

We have been in New Mexico since Thursday and this trip as been eventful just like every other trip we have taken over the years of our marriage! It started on Tuesday I got sick wasn't sure if I was even going to be able to go. Shane said he wouldn't go if I couldn't and I didn't want him to miss out so I just said I would go and be merry! Well that wasn't actually what happened. I was sick the entire time with altitude sickness! and Shane got the same stomach bug I did on Friday night and we spent an entire day in the hotel room! We did get some skiing in on Friday though.

Here's Shane getting ready for the slope. Yes that is slope singular!!

My mom dogsit Huck for us and she sent us this pic of him on Friday to make it through the next two days! Ha!

This was the view from our Balcony! The Mountains were so pretty.

This is my poor sick hubby :(

Scenery pics have no Idea why they are over here?!?

This is the Grand Canyon of New Mexico.

Me and Shane in front of the Canyon

Cadillac Ranch

Ashley

Sunday Funday :)

2010-12-12T18:12:00.001-08:00

Me and Shane traveled to Woodward last night to watch Bree's Christmas program this morning! It was worth our 3 hour drive and sleeping in a full size bed with Bree in the middle :) she was so cute and sang her solo beautiful!

The girls before the program!

Here's Jarrett in Nanes boots! He may need to grow a bit to wear these:)

Ashley

House Warming

2010-12-04T09:30:00.000-08:00

This is my house warming post two months late. I was so thankful that everyone could come down and see where we live and where we are continuing to build our lives together. They helped us be able to get a beautiful new porch! It was a lot of people crammed in my little house but it was crammed with love!

Helping them figure out the game!

Me and Jen :)

Me and Sarah!

Gathered in my and Shanes room looking at Kass's engagement pics

Some of the People who crammed in our house to celebrate with us! :)

Nan and Deidra came to enjoy some grubb :)

Gran and Gramps and miss callie

Laci and Beau and miss Chloe

Thanksgiving week

2010-12-02T14:02:00.001-08:00

We had the whole Woodward bunch with us all Thanksgiving week. We had a blast spending time together and stuffing 0ur faces!!

Me and Tish Clowning around :)

Me and Shane at TJ and Deidra's wedding Shane wouldn't take a decent picture... Surprised I think...NOT!

The two cutest flower girl and ring bears around! Bree done so good she stayed up on the stage and smiled like a pretty young lady the whole wedding!

The Bride and Groom saying their vows

Hanging out with Jarrett while mommy went to the route 66 Marathon.

Shane Starting on our porch! It wont be done till the first of the year but it will look great once we get the roof and hand rails on!

Shane and Bree making deviled eggs this was after my 5th attempt at a good pic so they were less than thrilled ;)

Ashley

Childless at Christmas...

2010-11-29T20:12:00.001-08:00

I think one of the hardest parts to get through the holidays as a BLM is bc there is something so magical and wonderful of watching the wonder on children's faces, as they hear that familiar Christmas song, see the Christmas tree lit up for the first time, pulling out sentimental ornaments, and counting down the days on your count down to Christmas calendars.

Going to shop for everyone else's kids on your Christmas list just makes that whole in your heart that much bigger. Makes me want to shop for that 18 to 24 month Christmas outfit that my son should b sporting this holiday season. It's just hard not to feel a little cheated. But I'll make it through this holiday with a smile, I have come accustomed to. Thankful I can enjoy Christmas through someone else's children's eyes...

And hope beyond hope that next year will be our year!

Ashley

Paden Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T17:54:00.001-08:00

The Allen girls looking cute for Thanksgiving!

Lacy with Andys nasty parts of the turkey!

Brett napping before all the eating happening. The kids thought he needed stuff animals...

All the little kids waiting for Christmas in November. :)

Ashley

Thankful for

2010-11-23T13:16:00.001-08:00

This Thanksgiving will be shared with lots of family and love. That's really what it's all about. I love coming from a large close family, and now that I added the Allen/Eastep bunch it just keeps growing. That is probably what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving. I'm Thankful for my new house. That I have been able to make a cute and comfortable for people to come visit. I'm thankful for my nieces and nephews and that I get to love them to death, but don't have to do any of the hard stuff! :)I'm thankful for my job and actually enjoy working with the people I do!

All though I have been dreading the holiday season, that's so geared towards kids and families. Anyone who has dealt with infant loss and/or infertility knows actually what I mean. I'm truly thankful for all the blessing that I do have. Life could be so much worse. Another year has come and gone, and my dreams are still waiting to be fulfilled, but I still have to have hope that next year will be my year! I'm going to enjoy my Thanksgiving, but not a minute will pass that I won't be aware that one member of my family won't be there... I hope you all have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving! Can't wait to see all the picture and hear all of your holiday stories!

family picture out takes

2010-11-14T09:21:00.000-08:00

These are a few of our family pics that weren't so good. enjoy!

this was our attempt of spelling lol! it makes me lol
This is all of us getting in to postion! haha I don't know y Kevin's butt has to go up so high to lay down!!! his butt is by my head.

My ratard sister Kassie was slinging a fishing pole she found around. So enjoy this face :)

Huck is liking Boomer better than the camera.

Some cute butts :)

Mom and her outlaws!

I have no idea what we are laughing about but it must be funny!

this picture is to demostrate Robby's cheesy smile! He's second from the right in back row.

This is Shane's best smile :)

I think Kevin seen a snake!

I think they are thrilled to learn that nana likes her granddogs more! hahaha

Look what Bree made!

2010-11-10T13:36:00.001-08:00

Ashley

family pics

2010-11-02T12:20:00.001-07:00

We took family pictures on Sunday and here are a few of the ones we took! We haven't taken family pics with my mom for at least 15 years, so I would say it was time! I can't wait to get all of them :)

My mom and her "granddogs" :) Boomer on the left and Huck on the right

My Brother and his family minus Alec and Trey
top:Reyann, Derrick Bottom: Melissa, Kevin

My older sister Heather and her Husband Thomas and their dog Boomer.

All of us girls! I love this picture

left to right: Me, Reyann, Melissa, Kassie, Heather, Mom

The whole crew! I think we are pretty good looking bunch!

My little family!

Lately

2010-10-31T18:11:00.001-07:00

It's been way busy for the Allen's the last little bit I feel like I haven't done this much for months! We've had a house warming party, I helped with a halloween party, help my brother move,family pictures, a trip to Woodward, helping my Sis with some wedding stuff, a trip to Braggs to see my grandparents! I'm tired thinking of it all. I don't see it slowing down until after the first of the year either!

But for the most part it's all been with family and I love being around people I love. :)

Halloween is almost over and it's the first year in about 15 I didn't make it to any haunted houses or do anything really festive. We didn't even carve pumpkins! The holidays are just tough sometimes, even after almost two years. I just hope by next Halloween we will have a little trick or treater to tote around! :)

Picture from trystans Halloween party!

Hip hop princess peach:)

Fear factor game!

More fear factor

My Sis kass after cake testing.

My sweetie on the way to Braggs this morning!

I hope everyone has a blast this Halloween!

Ashley

A Woodward Weekend in Pictures!

2010-10-19T14:57:00.001-07:00

Ashley

Anniversary weekend!

2010-10-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

I LOVE fall and one of my favorite things to do is go to the pumpkin patch. We normally don't go this early in the season but since we had the opportunity so we took and I'm so glad we did b/c we got really good pumpkins :)

This is Shane's battle wound for digging for the perfect one. What kind of day would it be if Shane didn't get hurt right?!? :D

Shane with his ginormous pumpkin that thing weighed in at 30 lbs!

Shane digging for me just the right one!

He's thrilled to have his picture made!

This is my perfect pumpkin! I can't wait to carve these puppies up! (ok may I can't wait for Shane to carve them!)

After the pumpkin patch we head to the Tulsa State Fair. We got there about 4 and walked around til almost 11 my feet were not happy with me by the end of the day!

We found out that my cousins were also at the fair and met up with them. This is my cousin Madison showing more than half the guys in front of her up, she did 9 pull ups the hard way, she's only 6! We are all so proud of her! She just got up there and went to town:)

We were also surprised that American Idol alum Katherine Mcphee was there. So set down and rested for a few and watched her free concert!

Me and my Love at the concert.

I had the best weekend! It was so nice just to spend the day with my honey!

On Monday I went to Strothers to watch our cousin Trystan play Basketball. I love watching this sport so I was really excited when Lacy called to invite me to the game. They lost but they were so cute at losing :)

Trystan is number 22! He told us he doesn't want us to yell for him at his next game! Ha!

5 years a day late.

2010-10-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was married to my hunky husband Shane for five years! Sometimes it feels like we have been together forever and other times I can't believe it's been 5 years. It's amazing how life can change in such a short amount of time. Our family still doesn't look like we were hoping it would when we said "I do", but it looks exactly how God knew it would and we just have to trust that he has plan for us. I have learned a lot as a wife, and we have both done A LOT of growing up. I'm trying to be less selfish and giving. but over all I think we've grown into each other nicely. :) Marriage definitely looks a lot different then I thought it would on Oct. 1, 2005. I won't say I love every minute of it but I at least like it. :) the last five years I have dealt with the hardest things in my life. I'm so thankful that I have Shane right beside me, loving me and being the voice of reason to all my crazy! I love you babe and here's to many more years, With a lot more laughter and A LOT less tears! Oh yea and you staying away from the stupid brush pile!!!!

The Hardest Part

2010-09-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

I was watching Private Practice last night, yes a mind numbing drama, but last night it was about a couple who had lost a baby at 5 months b/c the husband accidentally left the baby in the car. They were wanting to use a surrogate who had lost a baby the same way. Addison, a doctor on the show, was having a hard time letting these people try again when they had lost a baby and she wasn't sure if they had grieved for the loss of their son max. Well as the show progresses Addison sets down with the mother and asks her why she would want to have another child with her husband after he forgot their infant son in the car. this is what the mother said something to this effect.

" I couldn't look at my husband for a long time, then I couldn't look at me. I'm broken. I'm not the same woman I was before. I'm not the same woman who would decorate a nursery with four months left in my pregnancy, who would buy baby clothes in bigger sizes for them to grow into, I'm not the same woman who would plan for their future. But I have all this love to give and no where to put it."

and then I cried like I haven't cried in long time. While although I have said something close to that. For the last year and 7 months I have been trying pin point the hardest part. Yes the loss of a future, the loss of memories, the loss of the relationship is hard. but the hardest part is having nowhere to put the love. I will always love him unconditionally and will always have hole where he stole my heart.

Happy Belated Birthday!

2010-09-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Shane 27th Birthday! I can not believe another year has gone by! We traveled to Woodward to spend the day with the Woodward crew :)

Bree Making her Nane his pink birthday cake :)

I think this pic is so cute of my two boys :)

Yesterday was a lot of fun. Spending time with the family. It was a rough day for me b/c I just kept thinking we are always going to be minus one... I wish with all my might that Shane could have celebrated his birthday with our little toddler hanging off his hip. I was on the verge of tears several times yesterday. I would think it would get easier and in a lot of ways it has. The sadness still creeps in. Every year that passes each year we both get older just feels like our dream of having our own little family slips through our fingers more and more.

Happy Birthday Babes... I thankful to be growing older with you! But just a little FYI I'm still in my mid 20's not the late 20's as my hottie of a husband just entered:)!

After... So far

2010-08-21T20:16:00.001-07:00

Guest bath!

Another view!

Guest room... Not finished

Living room not finished!

Kitchen mostly done!

Ashley

Before...

2010-08-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

These are the before pics of the unpacking process. I didn't get a chance this morning to take the so far after pictures of the done rooms. As you can see it was a total mess! We can at least walk around in every room, but one! Moving really stinks and we have so much stuff to be only married for 5 years I don't want to know what it will be like when we are married for 20!!!!

Guest bedroom which was the original storage holder.

Nursery what ever room this has now become the storage holder room considering we have no said baby to go into the nursery....

The hall was our mattress holder. While we slept on the recliner and the couch.

living room mess number 1!

Living room mess number 2!

We have painted and my room is done. the guest bath is done. My bathroom is somewhat done. the kitchen is done! We still have living room, guest bedroom, nursery to go! My goal is Thanksgiving :)

Exploring

2010-08-19T08:33:00.001-07:00

Tish brought the kids to come see us before Bree started school. On Monday evening the weather was nice so Shane took Bree and Jare through the trees! It was a good short visit. Now it's our turn to head to Woodward :)

Ashley

Going to the chapel!

2010-08-06T10:59:00.001-07:00

And my little sister is getting married!

That's her beautiful new ring! I'm so excited for her and Robby! Now the fun wedding planning begins. O and I need to lose 50 pounds! So I'm not the big blimp bridesmaid :) just wanted to say congrats! Welcome to the crazy family Robby!

Ashley

Thank you for being a friend!

2010-08-03T17:13:00.001-07:00

On Sunday Mom, Grandma, Karen, Katie, Lauren, Heather, Bubba, Tyrel, Brandi, Graydon, Kassie and Robbie all came down to help us move stuff out of our storage. It was my moms birthday the next day so we just decided to have a little BBQ also. So all those people crammed in my tiny one room house! We had a lot of fun. We all were a little cranky by the end just because it was so stinking hot!!!

The temp said 120! I'm so thankful to have great people helping us out!

Ashley

Our fur baby is one!

2010-08-03T10:33:00.001-07:00

On July 26th Huck turned one or seven to get technical! We got him a couple new toys... He said it was his best birthday ever! :)

Snuggled up tight! :)

Road trip!

Before we know it he'll be doing this! Ha!

Ashley

House

2010-07-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Well after almost exactly one year we are almost finished with getting our house. It didn't go as smoothly as I hoped and I had to change my mind one what I Needed, I mean wanted ;) We got something we could afford and will be plenty of room for us for awhile! This is all I have so far will take some more pics tonight hopefully.

This was what our drive way looked like a little over a week ago!

This is what it looks like now! we can actually drive on it now! I get more and more excited as each project gets done...

This is my honey doing some dirt work and clearing some trees. I have to brag on him a little bit. He has single handily done all the work himself. He gets up to go to work at 4 a.m. then Will come home jump on the tractor and work till 9:00 p.m. to get it all done and make our place look as nice as he can! I love him so much! Thanks for all you do! I do miss seeing you though!

The house was set today so hopefully I can get pics of it sitting on our place. The septic is being set today as well and mostly we are just waiting on electric company to come out and set the pole!

Life.

2010-07-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Jaxxon's due date came and went. Shane says this date has no real significance anymore his due date/birthday is February 26Th. I guess when you have waited for so long to have a due date it's etched in your memory forever! I've been kinda of down and the weather isn't helping! I feel like God has been confirming things in my spirit. It's nice to have reassurance but tough b/c I'm still on Gods timeline and not mine!

A couple of Fridays ago we traveled to my old stomping grounds for camp meeting good ole Tiger Mountain. It's so weird how just a building can drum up so many emotions and memories. Of a time before I knew such loss. But God is faithful. We had a great time of worship and we get settled in for the preaching. I forgot his name but he was a black preacher, the kind that gets into it. He said pull out your bibles, and I turned to Shane and said he's going to preach on Joseph, and guess what he said turn to Genesis 41! Yes God I'm listening! He said a phrase at the very beginning of his sermon, you are going to give BIRTH to you dream. There are so many other terms to describe a dream being fulfilled, but for some reason god gave him Birth. he then proceeded to preach on how Joseph named his son to mean I gave BIRTH in the land of my grief. I got goose bumps and could hardly stay seated b/c of the confirming words. If you only knew how my personal devotions and the sermons I have heard come right back to that! streams of tears of joy ran down my face. I'm sure Shane thought I was a complete nut! Ha!

His sermon went on and he referenced this verse

I tell you the truth unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it stays a single seed, but if it dies it becomes many seeds." (John 12:24)

Right after I lost Jaxx God spoke to me through this verse in fact I wrote about it on March 24, 2009. and right after he referenced that, he quoted this verse

I am making EVERYTHING new (Revelation 21:5)

which I wrote about in the exact same post. GOD IS GOOD!

He said something that struck me. You have to die and be planted before you can have a harvest. When the devil is trying to tell you he's burying you. Your really just being planted. There's stuff in that dirt you need to learn. To help you be fruitful in the land of your grief! It was a great word from God and my soul so needed it! I'm believing in God, Thankful for faith, clinging to hope!

Let go and Let GOD heal! He said that exact line... How many time over the last month have I posted something similar! You can't tell me that wasn't for me!

Happy 2nd Birthday!

2010-06-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has already been two years! Aunt Ash and uncle Nane love you so much! You are so snuggly and cute! I can't wait to see you continue to grow and learn!

You and Shane hanging out.

Just a couple of days old.

First Birthday, getting messy :)

In Sawyer's bed at the hospital.

Vistors from Woodward!

2010-06-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

Tish decided to come to Paden for a few days and let the kids swim. So Shane and I had fun filled weekend with our Niece and Nephews! We had a ton of fun. I have to admit we were glad to have our bed back to ourselves and so was Huck! I had one jealous puppy. :)

Jarrett came down on Saturday after his birthday party. We have never had him that long by his self. I don't know if he had fun, but we enjoyed spending time with just him! We were watching Toy Story and he was just relaxing.

Father's day was Sunday so we all went out to the cemetery to visit our boy.

On Tuesday evening we decided to have a little weeny roast at Tommy and Sandy's.

Me and Bree on our turn :)

Shane relaxing in the pool!

Me and Jare Bear!

Jare is a water bug. If he could learn to keep his mouth closed I think he would just take off swimming on his own. He was jumping off the ladder to me, so Shane decided we should just throw him to each other. Well he loved it we had to do it about 20 more times . :)

The Red Blur is Jarrett!

Bree and Kennedy.

On Wed. Bree went to work with me for story time and afterwards we ran to the park for a little bit. She had fun going down the slides and running around before it got to hot! Then me and Tish and Bree ran to Mounds to get our hair cut. Bree got hers chopped off it is sooo cute. I didn't take a pic b/c I was getting mine done after she got hers cut.

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

I just want to say Happy Father's day to all the dad's in my life! I can't believe it's already this time of year again! Happy Father's day to my hubby! Even though Jaxx isn't here with us physically I can see he's left a mark on your heart. I love how your so protective of him. It warms my heart to know you love him so. I know one day you will be the best dad of children on earth any child could ask for!

My sweet boys! :)

Happy Father's day Dad! I love you with all my heart and pray we have many more of these days together!

Dawn, Dad and me 2008

Happy Father's day Brett! Glad that your in my life, and thankful that you have helped Shane be the dad he is today!

This pic is really old, but it was the only one I could find with us in it :)

What Might have been...

2010-06-19T06:41:00.000-07:00

I try not to think about what might have been,
Cus that was then and we have taken different roads.
We can't go back again, there's no use giving in.
And there's no way to know, what might have been.

Well as Jaxxon due date approaches it has reminded me of the loss of him. It's weird to think that he would almost one or one years old by now... I wonder who he would have been. Then I remember he's exactly who God wanted him to be. With us for 22 weeks. No more, No less. I have truly felt the release of so much anger. I'm daily letting God heal. That's kinda been the reoccurring theme in my life right now let go and let God heal. I have been hoping again. Yes, it scares me to death that I may never get pregnant again. That we may never have children. I just feel like God is not going to let that happen. If he does he will be the same God even then. I was reading a book called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. There was a line in the book that read something like this Hope hurts, because if you start to hope and it doesn't happen you felt like you have failed yet again. I'm choosing hope with the only condition that God's will be done in my life. It's not like I have ANY control any way. So why not cast my cares upon Jesus! I want to leave you with Lyrics to a song that touches my heart every time I hear it!

Before the Morning

Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

an accident and a weekend :)

2010-06-15T13:15:00.001-07:00

Well my wonderful and graceful husband was doing some work to our land. burning brush and and breaking limbs. One piece of tree limb came back and gave him this little beauty! He walked in the door with it covered, and said we need to go to the ER. I thought he had just got dehydrated or something then he moved his shirt, and there was blood everywhere. I freaked b/c I'm not the best in these types of situations. So we rushed to the hospital and he got three stitches.

Brandy, Tyrel, and Graydon came for a visit and our other friends Darrin and Misty invited us for a Saturday of fun at the river!

This with me enjoying putting my feet in the sand. It's a free pedicure! :)

This is Shane cooling off after smoking a bunch of meat. Graydon is telling his daddy all about it.

This is Shane walking down by the river to go swimming.

After we were all stuffed we decided to play some Volleyball it was fun! I'm not so great at it, but I love to play anyway. :)

I wish I would have got a pic of me and Brandy but we were busy taking the pics. We made a few funny memories that involved me driving, OK trying to drive the rhino! Lets just say there was bug splatter and yelling the word TREE! We had a great weekend and great company and glad they came for a visit. Maybe next time they come we will have more then one open room. ;)

Librarians Do Gaga

2010-06-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

Thought this was funny! librarians are cool :)

Memorial Day weekend!

2010-06-01T07:28:00.001-07:00

We had a great time at the lake. We are sooo tired, sore and a little red :) but it was worth it b/c it was so much fun! We loved the company and enjoyed the playing. Patty and Wesley my great aunt and uncle have a place at Grand lake they have had since I was little and we use to go every single weekend. Then life happened and we haven't got to go very much. Anyway they remodeled their house and it was just finished this week. So they were moving back in and we got to be the first people to stay at the new house! :)

Well since we cut Huck's hair to pretty much nothing we went and got him a new shirt so he wouldn't sunburn :) He looked pretty cute in it!

We weren't sure how Huck would do in the water, but he actually swam really good. Straight to the dock Ha! He's not a fan of water. so we put him on this little raft and he just stood there like are you really making me stay on this dumb thing LOL!

This is Huckababy on the boat. He did so good I was amazed at how well he did. He's not a people person so he has pretty much slept none stop since we got back, people make him really nervous!

This is my cousin Kelsey, and her friend Lindsay. They were doing stunts on the tube! It looks like they are surfing... they didn't stay up long! The water was ROUGH!

Patty and my cousin Leslie soaking up some sun!

Me and Shane on the wave runner. Let me tell you these things make you SORE. I didn't know that when I was younger it didn't bother me at all, but I could barely lift up a cup after we got off that thing! Shane was nice and we only dumped over twice :) It was a lot of fun but the seat was really slickery so I almost slid off the back a million times! at one point we hit a really high way and some how managed to head butt each other. We could barely stop laughing to hang on so we wouldn't get dumped over. We had a great time!

This my hunk of a husband after playing out on the water!

There he is again!

It was a blast and can't wait to do it again soon! They are working on putting a pool in also so I'll definitely be back to check that out :)

We're going to the lake...

2010-05-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

and we can hardly wait! we borrowed a friends Seadoo and are headed to Grand lake in the morning. We are going to spend some time with family we rarely get to see. I imagine lots of visiting and playing the next couple of days! I'm ready to get away with Shane and my mom. Even though I see Shane every day it doesn't feel like we get to spend much time together. So I'm ready to get to spend quality time with him, making memories :) I'll post pics when we get back!

The next part of this post is random stuff that's happening.

This is for summer reading program at our library. Carol a girl I work with and me decorated this for the kids. I thought it turned out great and am ready for them to see it!

I don't know why these pics are so little! This is Jaxx grave for memorial day. I wanted blue, white, and yellow flowers and they turned out perfect!

And this is our first and last attempt to cut Huck ourselves!!!!! We have a new appreciation for dog groomers! Shane done a good job with the clippers we got. We were trying to save money since it's sixty dollars to get a five pound dogs hair cut! That's more than mine to get washed, cut, colored and styled just for a reference! After our do it yourself cut we think we will pay the price! LOL

life

2010-05-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

Life has way to many curve balls sometimes... I think the winds of change are blowing our way again and am praying that God would open every door that needs to be open! Trying not to stress to much and go with the flow.

This past weekend we traveled to Woodward and had lots of fun. Then I went back on Tuesday evening and stayed til this morning. Man Bree wears me out! but I miss her and Jare and Saw as soon as I'm in my car! They definitely make life interesting.

Bree asked why I have fat rolls, I said b/c I'm Fat and she said well then I have skinny rolls! A mess I tell ya! She's kinda of in the making up story age instead of the truth, so we had to work on that a couple of times to! But she is just so preciously ornery ;)

Jarrett decided he kinda likes his aunt Ash which is just fine with me b/c he is one cute little boy! He is completely different from Bree. I got lots of hugs and he wanted me to rock him to sleep. I think the whole time I was there I had one or sometimes two kids attached me somewhere. :)
Me and Tish decided Jare had the Avatar thing that attaches to there flying things b/c he glued to some one at all times!

Sawyer, well truth be told I don't get much time with him between the other two. He's always smiling and such a good baby! I watched him while Tish went and walked and he just set on my lap and smiled and talked to me. He almost had to be a laid back baby :)

I know this is random but wanted to remember spending time with them!

Mother's day

2010-05-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

Jaxxon,
I miss you so much and think about you everyday. What you would be like and what you would be doing. I'm so happy that God choose me to be your mommy. I hope you know how much we love you and how much you still are a part of our lives. I'm thankful you get to spend this Mother's day in a place we all long to be.

Mother's day...
I'm not sure if mother's day will ever be a day of complete bliss. It's so much of a reminder of my struggles and what I do not have. I'm thankful I am a mother and God gave me five months with my son on earth. I love my Mom, Step-mom, MIL, Grandmothers. I'm thankful for them and am thankful they have shaped me into who I am. The mother I will be. It's tough being a childless mother. When the day comes and I have children on earth I will still always be minus one. I will never have my complete family with me. Praise Jesus he can give me strength and joy. I hope all of you have a wonderful Mother's day. If you aren't a mother yet but desperately want to be, I'm praying for you! There's no greater job then being a mom! Thanks to all the wonderful mom's that are in my life!

How Long will you grieve....

2010-05-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

As I was driving home on Wednesday night I decided to listen to a sermon that a friend of ours had given us to listen to. The sermon started off talking Job and how some of his loss was due to natural disasters and other people causing problems. Then it turned to Joseph and how he never gave up on God. Mind you this is the third sermon in a row that Joseph has been brought up. I knew there was something for me to learn from him. I'll share that in a minute. The preacher got to a part in his sermon where I just felt Jesus was with me... How long will you grieve, How long will you grieve...How long will you grieve.( he said this three times and it sank a little more every time) Before you let God restore. I immediately started praying as if my life depended on it. God spoke that directly to my heart from this man. It has been no secret that this has been a season in my life of intense grieving. I have been carrying grief because I felt it was the only way people would not forget about him. If I was sad then they couldn't forget. He's worth so much more than sorrow. I felt in that moment it was ok to let go. Not forget, or never be sad or, never let a memory cross my mind. But to let go of the bitterness, the why me attitude. I'm a believer in Christ and I believe he works all things out for his good, why couldn't I believe this to would happen to me.

I'm ready to let God restore. To not dwell on the past and look forward to the future he has planned for us. I remember in the days right after Jaxxon left us that people would say HE has a mighty plan for you. I can't wait to see what God does. I remember believing that and then somewhere along the way I have lost sight of that. What God can do to bring glory to him through us is unimaginable. I can remember as if it was ten minutes ago Brett saying from behind the pulpit at Jaxx's funeral that he can feel Jesus walking by. I just forgot he was carrying me.

Back to Joseph many of you know the story of his coat of many colors. And how his brothers were going to kill him, he was accused of raped and was imprisoned, forgotten about for two years after interpreting a dream, then he was made the ruler of Egypt only the Pharaoh was greater than he. Through all this he had Gods favor b/c he was faithful and not saying God why is this happening to me. He knew God would take care of him. I have easy issues compared to this guy but I whine and complain and carry on. We can all learn a lesson from Joseph but I certainly need it. When God blessed him with his son he said that God has allowed me to be fruitful in the land of my grief. That is my prayer that the Lord will make me fruitful in the land that I have grieved. How long have you grieved over something, like a lost job, moving to a smaller house, those size 8 jeans, or something as big as loss of a family member, remember that in there God has to be allowed to restore. Thank you Jesus for making everything new and restoring my heart for you!

Bereaved Mother...

2010-04-27T12:49:00.000-07:00

I found this poem and I really loved it...

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks,

she cleans, she works, she IS

but she IS NOT all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

A child that loses a parent is an orphan.

A husband that loses his wife is a widower.

A wife who loses her husband is a widow.

However, there is no word for a parent that loses a child.

For there is no word to describe such pain.

-author unknown

Ology

2010-04-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

Rules: Okay...you're tagged! You have to do this, too. Let others know a little more about you. Re-post this with your name followed by "ology." YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Please send your responses back to me also. Now that you know more about me than you probably wanted to know; be nice and play the game.

FOODOLOGY:

*What is your salad dressing of choice? Thousand Island

*Your favorite sit-down restaurant? Olive Garden

*What is your favorite fast-food restaurant? taco mayo

*What food would you not get sick of if you were to eat it every day for 2 weeks? pizza

*What are your pizza toppings of choice? peperonnie

BIOLOGY:

*Are you right or left-handed? Right

*What, if anything, have you had removed from your body? A mole that was in the corner of my mouth that I had at birth

*What is the last heavy item you lifted? probably a stack of books

*Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope

*Have you ever fainted? No

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

*If it were possible, would you want to know the day you're going to die? No

*If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Ansley

*How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? 10

*Last person you talked to? Carol

*What Color phone do you have? Pink and Black cover

FAVORITOLOGY:

*Season? Fall

* Holiday? Christmas

*Activity? Being with Shane

*Day of the week? Saturday

*Month? October

*Color? Pink

*Drink? Pepsi

PASTOLOGY:

*What's the last movie you saw? In the theater? Backup plan

*Video or DVD? DVD

*Have you been in a car wreck? umm yea

*Have you caused a car wreck? most of mine were due to weather...

*Last time you cried? I think last thursday

*Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yea sometimes

*Name 3 things you bought yesterday? Lunch, Gas, flip flops

*Met someone who changed your life? Yes

*For better or worse? Jaxxon made me better but also rocked my world... so I'm going with a little a both like Kass said

*How did you bring in the New Year? In OKC with Andy, Lacy and Shane

*Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes

*Who was the last person you took a picture of? Me and Derrick

*What songs do you sing in the shower? Usually praise and worship songs.

*Have you held hands with someone today? Not yet

*Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Friday

*What were you doing at 12 a.m. Last night? Watching Gossip Girl

*What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Is it really already time to get up!

CURRENTOLOGY and FUTUROLOGY:

*Missing someone? Yes

*Listening to? Carol help a patron

*Watching? The computer screen

*Do you smile often? I hope so

*Worrying about? can we get a house!

*Procrastinating about? working

*Are most of the friends in your life new or old? New

*Do you like pulpy orange juice? yes

*What's on your wish list for your birthday? To be living somewhere that's more than on room!

*Plans tonight? Meeting Brett and Brenda to sign a deed

* Do you have an accent? Probably to some

*If you could change your eye color, what would it be? I love my eyes :)

*Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Both, Excited if it goes the way I want it to and nervous if the things I have no control over fall through!

I tag Tish, Brandy, Mandy, Brett you guys need to post more often!!!!

Nothing really

2010-04-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

There hasn't been much going on around our neck of the woods. We are loving the spring weather and taking advantage of it with keeping our windows open in the evenings! I love to feel the fresh in coming in the house. :) We traveled to Woodward last weekend to visit the family. Bree wore me out, but I love her anyway! go lots of snuggle time with Saywer and Jarebear also.

Bree had a rare sleeping moment and me and Shane wanted to run to Atwoods so Jarrett got to go with us! We got him these round house overalls he looked so cute in them! he even had old man butt :)

Later that even we all wanted to enjoy a snack of apples, and I got to have all three of the munchkins in my lap :) I'm so blessed to have them in my life and I'm so thankful they love me so much!

Sorry this pic is so blurry its from Shane's phone... This is my husbands latest creation the smoker/grill! He's so proud of it and I'm pretty proud of him to! I love that my honey can take two pipes and make a smoker/grill of of them :) He and his friend Darrin spent A LOT of time working on this thing! I can't wait to try it out. We'll have to wait til next week though because he's headed of to the lake for an all boys weekend... I'm spending sometime with my Momma and Aunt Karen. I hope all of you have a great weekend!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-04-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

Three post in one day WOW!

To the Zoo!

2010-04-14T09:47:00.001-07:00

Tish came down to see Pa (Shanes Grandpa) then headed off to Glenpool to see her in-laws so I decided while she was in town to go to the Tulsa Zoo. The weather was perfect!

This is all of us minus Kass, This pic should have been an indication of how the rest of the days pictures were going to go!Kass and Jarrett, He took to her and she chased him around all day :)

Bree brushing a goat!

Jarrett LOVED the goats! we had to make him leave the petting zoo part!

This was mine and Kass's best attempt at getting their picture together!

Tish and Jarrett playing at the park!

Kass enjoying a little break and some refreshments ;)

Breeze sliding just one more time... I think it ended up being two more times :)

After a long day they were all tuckered out! So were we! Love to have that memory with them and glad we decided to go. They grow up way to fast!