Friday, September 24, 2010

The Hardest Part

I was watching Private Practice last night, yes a mind numbing drama, but last night it was about a couple who had lost a baby at 5 months b/c the husband accidentally left the baby in the car. They were wanting to use a surrogate who had lost a baby the same way. Addison, a doctor on the show, was having a hard time letting these people try again when they had lost a baby and she wasn't sure if they had grieved for the loss of their son max. Well as the show progresses Addison sets down with the mother and asks her why she would want to have another child with her husband after he forgot their infant son in the car. this is what the mother said something to this effect.

" I couldn't look at my husband for a long time, then I couldn't look at me. I'm broken. I'm not the same woman I was before. I'm not the same woman who would decorate a nursery with four months left in my pregnancy, who would buy baby clothes in bigger sizes for them to grow into, I'm not the same woman who would plan for their future. But I have all this love to give and no where to put it."

and then I cried like I haven't cried in long time. While although I have said something close to that. For the last year and 7 months I have been trying pin point the hardest part. Yes the loss of a future, the loss of memories, the loss of the relationship is hard. but the hardest part is having nowhere to put the love. I will always love him unconditionally and will always have hole where he stole my heart.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Happy Belated Birthday!

Yesterday was Shane 27th Birthday! I can not believe another year has gone by! We traveled to Woodward to spend the day with the Woodward crew :)

Bree Making her Nane his pink birthday cake :)

I think this pic is so cute of my two boys :)
Yesterday was a lot of fun. Spending time with the family. It was a rough day for me b/c I just kept thinking we are always going to be minus one... I wish with all my might that Shane could have celebrated his birthday with our little toddler hanging off his hip. I was on the verge of tears several times yesterday. I would think it would get easier and in a lot of ways it has. The sadness still creeps in. Every year that passes each year we both get older just feels like our dream of having our own little family slips through our fingers more and more.
Happy Birthday Babes... I thankful to be growing older with you! But just a little FYI I'm still in my mid 20's not the late 20's as my hottie of a husband just entered:)!