I haven't written this yet I don't exactly know why. Maybe I couldn't find the words and I'm sure I still can't but I want to write down so that I won't forget. It feels like forever and yesterday rolled into one!
Wed. February 25, 2009 was Breeana's 3rd birthday and I was so bummed I was on bed rest at Tulsa and not getting to spend her birthday with her in Woodward. I was super excited for my doctors appt. To establish a relationship with an ob/gyn in Tulsa in case anything should happen. I had already been in the hospital once with cramps. Went to the doctor and everything was fine. Baby was measuring good I hadn't went into labor, my urine was a little cause for concern so they sent that off to be tested. (I never heard what was going on with that) We made an appt to do another anatomy scan b/c there was conflicting reports on if my placenta was anterior or posterior so she needed to get a good and accurate read on where that was. So I left with hope that the previa had corrected its self and I would be on my home in a couple of weeks on light activity and all would be fine. I remember getting home that afternoon and thinking that I could breathe a little easier. Then around 7 o'clock I just started feeling bad. Like I was getting a bug or something it was the end of February so it wouldn't be unheard of. I remember my mom coming over and giving me the cutest camo stuff for my precious boy to wear. Shane would be so thrilled to see those cute little booty's. I told her mom I just don't feel right she was a little worried and told me to call if I needed anything. Right before I went to bed that night I passed a really large blood clot sorry TMI but's an important point in the story. I called my step mom in the bathroom and showed her and she bagged and said she would take it in first thing in the morning She worked with my new ob. but it never made it there.
Thursday Feb. 26, 2009 It was the middle of the night and I had to go use the restroom not unusual at almost 22 weeks pregnant. I was having to share a bed with my sis and I was driving her crazy with the constant up and down. I was sitting on the toilet and I just started sobbing b/c I was scared that I was going to lose this baby. I remember crying out to God on that stool that my baby would be ok. I hadn't done anything out of the ordinary just in my heart I knew something was wrong. I went and laid back down and about 30 min. later I started bawling and hurting not really anything major just discomfort. I woke my sis and up and she was pretty ticked at first b/c she had to be a work at 8 in the morning so by 3:30 she was getting concerned about me and went woke up my step mom. I had rented a fetal monitor and told her to listen to his heart rate and make sure he was fine and in no distress. I remember listening to it thinking all will be ok he's still doing fine and squirming around in there. Almost immediately after we started listening to his heartbeat the contractions started. We didn't know at first were contractions thought it may be a kidney stone since my urine was bad and my stomach wasn't tightening. So we kept waiting and timing and the cramps kept getting closer together. I had tried to call Shane several times with no answer I didn't know he had taken a Tylenol pm b/c he hadn't been sleeping worrying about me and since we got a good report at the doctors he felt he could get some sleep. By 6:00 I was in terrible pain like doubled over crawling on the floor pain! I called Brett and Brenda's house hoping they could go wake up Shane and tell him we were going to the hospital. I remember Brett saying they were on there way and the loved me and he would be praying. I could hear the worry in his voice and I just started bawling. I tried to go to the restroom on last time before they put me in the car and remember dropping to my knees in so much pain. My dad called my grandparents to tell them to be praying and my sister was packing clothes for work b/c she would go in a soon as we found out everything was ok.
The Car Ride- I tried to start out in the front seat and made all the way out of the neighbor hood before I had to lay down in the back seat. I remember it hurting so bad and feeling so much pressure I could hardly stand it I remember telling Dawn (step mom) over and over again I didn't want to lose my baby, I couldn't lose my baby. She just kept saying Ashley calm down breathe and if you feel like you have to push DON'T!
The Hospital- We let the valet park our car, Dawn runs in and gets a wheel chair I remember being just out of it from the pain. Spaced out may be a better word. We get up to Labor and Delivery to tell them we are here b/c we had called head. There happened to be another Ashley Allen that had just delivered the day before so they thought I was her. I remember sitting in the wheel chair yelling that I was in labor and the better hurry up or they would have a clean up on aisle 1 lol it's kinda funny now not so much then. I remember them wheeling me in an exam room and making me undress so they could check me and I kept saying you can't check me I have a previa and it could make me go into labor even though I knew I already was. Well my bag of water was already bulging so they rushed me in the delivery room and was frantically trying to get my iv in and trying to tell me how to breathe. one nurse grabbed my head and said ASHLEY LOOK AT ME BREATHE!! I kept telling the nurses they couldn't put the IV in b/c I was scared of needles I felt like I was on drugs and hadn't even gotten any yet. At some point Dr. G got there and was suited up I still didn't have my IV yet and she looked at me and said you have to push. I looked her straight in the eye and said he's not going to make it is he. I remember her eyes filled with tears as she said no... You have to get him out now. So I pushed and cried and pushed and cried. At 7:33 my precious baby boy entered in to this world and his heart beat and he was alive. There was no person in my room who didn't have tears in there eyes nurses had to leave and come back in b/c they couldn't handle it. I remember screaming how can people who don't want their babies have them with no problem. After I had him and the nurse cleaned him up she said would you like to hold him and I quickly said no. Then she said he still has a heartbeat are you sure you don't want to. Dawn said Ashley I really think you need to. He looks fine he is totally normal just very small. So I decided he needed to know I was there and I loved him. I just remember sobbing as they brought him to me. Then I heard my mom running in the hall saying I want in there. I don't know how much time had passed and the nurse looked at us and said he's gone.... That was the worst day of my life. I looked at Dawn and told her she had to call Shane b/c there was no way I could tell him that my body had failed and our son had just died. I heard the phone conversation and he didn't believe her at first and made her put me on the phone. I repeated what she had just said and told him he had fingers that looked just like his and that's when Shane completely lost it. They were still at least an hour out.
After He was Born- I don't know how my family got there so fast but by 8 I had at least 15 people in my room to love and support me. That's why I love my family they are right there when we need them. I remember pictures and foot prints being made. Tears lots of tears, and hugs. I asked how long we would keep him with us and they said as long as we wanted. I remember Shane walking in that room and I was just immediately comforted. He's my home my rock and I hated him not there. He scooped Jaxx up in on arm and just cried I don't even think he looked at him at first he just held him and cried. In that moment I loved Shane more than I could ever imagine. He was a father. We kept Jaxx with us all day and all night and I could tell our parents were getting antsy that we were going to keep putting off calling the funeral home for them to come and get him. So with the help of our parents we handed him off for the last time and it was the worst most empty feeling you could ever imagine.
Friday February 27,2009- Brett took me and Shane from the hospital I remember looking at the hospital thinking that I should have a baby not be going home empty handed. We all went to speedy's in glenpool to eat. Waiting to go to the funeral home to make arrangements. We had never had to do that. It was easier than I thought b/c I was getting to be a parent I had something to do which I wanted.
Saturday February 28, 2009- Mom took me shopping to get something to wear to the funeral and to get a bible with his name on it to put in his casket. I remember being in the target dressing room and losing it b/c I tried on a dress that made me still look pregnant. I just wanted to get out of the store right that second I wasn't ready for the real world. People probably thought I was a nutso. I kinda am! :)
Sunday March 1, 2009- We had the viewing and I was so touched that so many people came to show us that they loved us and cared for us. It was a little overwhelming. I didn't think so many people would care for someone they only knew b/c they knew us.
Monday March 2, 2009- We had the funeral at First Baptist Glenpool and there were so many people there my heart was overfull for the love and outpouring of support we received in our worst moment of grief. God gave us peace beyond our own understanding that day that we could laugh a little and enjoy being with our families. I'm still in awe of people and so grateful for the generosity towards us. People will never know how many tears we cried of pure gratefulness.
It was the fastest and slowest weekend of my life and I will forever be changed by it.