The Hardest Part

I was watching Private Practice last night, yes a mind numbing drama, but last night it was about a couple who had lost a baby at 5 months b/c the husband accidentally left the baby in the car. They were wanting to use a surrogate who had lost a baby the same way. Addison, a doctor on the show, was having a hard time letting these people try again when they had lost a baby and she wasn't sure if they had grieved for the loss of their son max. Well as the show progresses Addison sets down with the mother and asks her why she would want to have another child with her husband after he forgot their infant son in the car. this is what the mother said something to this effect.

" I couldn't look at my husband for a long time, then I couldn't look at me. I'm broken. I'm not the same woman I was before. I'm not the same woman who would decorate a nursery with four months left in my pregnancy, who would buy baby clothes in bigger sizes for them to grow into, I'm not the same woman who would plan for their future. But I have all this love to give and no where to put it."

and then I cried like I haven't cried in long time. While although I have said something close to that. For the last year and 7 months I have been trying pin point the hardest part. Yes the loss of a future, the loss of memories, the loss of the relationship is hard. but the hardest part is having nowhere to put the love. I will always love him unconditionally and will always have hole where he stole my heart.