Thursday, January 28, 2010


When do you know God is saying no, OR, just not right now? I've been struggling with this the last few days. When I lay my head on my pillow I just can't shut my brain off. To much thinking is not a good thing for me b/c I always go to the extreme worse. I guess I'm just wondering if all the bad things that have happened are just big red signs saying this isn't what I have planned for you. Give up on this dream and find a new one. I know people say it Will happen in God's time, but it doesn't have to happen, he doesn't have to give us this gift. Should I have learned my lesson when we were told we could not have children. Instead I took it as a challenge that mere human doctors can't contain my God in a box. He can do all things. So I continued on praying, seeking and hoping. Then we conceived, over joyed, thought my life was finally on track. He gave me the child I prayed for... Then he died, I had to give him back to the lord. Should this have been my big wake up call you are not suppose to be a mother on earth. I was thinking the last night as I was going to bed. God gave me the gift of a child, even if it just for heaven I have an eternity to be with son. Some women will not even get to have that gift.

How do you know when enough is enough? Am I the only one who struggles with this? I just can't help but to think that this is the right path for me b/c it's such a pain in my heart for a child. Maybe God is teaching me that I want a child more then him. I'm not sure what all of it means, I just know it's hard. Infertility is hard on me, hard on Shane, hard on our marriage, hard for our families. I'm thankful I have a God who allows me to ask all of these questions, b/c He's big enough for all my emotions. I have said it before and will say it again. I do NOT know how people without God can do this!!!! So I would encourage anyone reading this who does not know God has your personal savior to take some time and get to know him. I promise it will be one decision in your life you will never regret. Thanks for listening to my heart once again.

Friday, January 8, 2010

10 Things that Makes Me Happy....

Ok so I'm undertaking Sarah's challenge to list ten things that make me happy! so here goes nothing!

1. Being a daughter of the King of Kings. At times I'm so mad at him I could cry, but I don't know what I would do in this life with out his help. His arms of comfort, peace beyond understanding, that he will carry me when I can no longer walk. That he's a true and loving God. If you don't know him I hope you will seek his face.

2. Gregory Shane Allen- Let me tell you I got lucky even though sometimes he drives me crazy and I want to punch his face! :) He is a provider and companion, spoils me rotten. I can pretty much talk him to anything I think we should do. He's my lover and my friend and I thank God for him everyday.

3. Family... They are interesting to say the least. On my side of the family Shane has trouble adjusting we are loud love to argue our points of few, of course mine is always right HA! We are huggers, lets just say Shane is not on the touch feely side :) I love to be around them and reminds me why I am the person I am b/c of the loving family I was brought up in. I was allowed to be myself. ( that didn't mean they wouldn't talk about me when I left... LOL) I have self confidence and self worth and I owe a lot of that for the people I was around. I have a great friendship with my Mom, super close to my sisters. I love my Daddy and I have a great Step mom Dawn! I wouldn't trade almost any of them for anything!

4. My other family...aka my in laws. I'm pretty sure from the moment I met them we kinda of clicked. I think they are part of the reason I put of with Shane J/K ...:) They are great people who have taking me in as their own. I'm pretty sure I drive Brenda crazy at times. She is more of a sees all the good in people I tend to think some ppl have an agenda. So sometimes she makes me think about the way I view ppl...but only sometimes :)! It's great to have ppl you can cry with at the worst times in your life and the same to ppl to laugh with at the most joyous times in your life. I miss living by you guys. I know you miss living by us ;)

6. My niece and nephews... Oh the joys of being able to do what you want with them and when your tired send them home :) They are so fun to be around and I love them all so much. They keep life interesting. I love when Bree needs to see HER Ash! and Brother Bears sweet cuddling. They are growing up WAY to fast. I remember when Alec and Derrick were little and how we would fight over who got to hold them as babies and who got to pick out what they would wear for the day. I miss those days! I have been blessed with beautiful, talented loving children to be apart of my life. I always tell Alec when he's a big baseball star he has to buy me a house! Derrick will probably grow up and be a scientist or something! ;)

7. My friends... I have been blessed with awesome friendships in my life. Most of them are family that double as friends but hey they can't get rid 0f me that way :) My sisters Kass, Heather and Tish have all been there for me when I needed them most and I can tell anything to and...I DO!!!! Tish probably wonders what she got herself into most of the time. I was raised with Heather and Kass so they know how weird we are HA! My cousins Jen, Sarah, Lacy Thanks for being their girlies. I have other really great friends who have prayed and been there for me! I couldn't do it with out you guys!

8. My Dogie... I know I have said this before but I never liked dogs... well it turns out I still don't... I do love my sweet dog Huck though. He is a great cuddle bug and me and Shane laugh at all the things he does. When I come home from work or even just walking out to the car he is so happy to see me :) he gets his paws and his head going crazy. It's the cutest thing. It's nice to feel needed and he definitely needs me :)

9. Being a mother... Even though at times it brings me great pain. I still love being Jaxxon Shane mommy. I love the 5 months I had with him alive and growing in my tummy. I love remembering the sound of his heartbeat. I love looking at my ultrasound pictures. I love remembering all the dreams I had for him. I love the joy he brought to our lives. I love him and he makes me happy. :)

10. Last but not least sugar and all things sugary haha... I know this is kinda trivial but I'm fixing to be on a pretty strict no sugar diet and I'm sure I will miss all things made of sugar :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Hard to Understand...

I learned of another family who lost a precious baby to early. There is nothing that has tested my faith more than this single event in my life. It's so hard to understand why a loving God would take away or not even allow couples to have baby that would take care of it, and love and nurture it. Then give babies to crack addicts, abusers, molester, and people who just won't take care of their children. Honestly I don't even know why some women like the Duggars for instance can have 19... Why wouldn't He just spread the wealth and just give us one! I know that he truly is loving, that this is just the plan for my life, and that is the plan He has for their lives. I just really can't wrap my brain around it!!!

Also a 16 yr. old foreign exchange student that was staying with my Aunt and Uncle decided to end her life on Sunday night. I don't know what the one thing in peoples life that makes them decide that dying would be better than living. I just want to remind people to take time for the people around them. Ask them how their doing and actually listen to their reply. I not saying that it would have changed anything in this situation. It made me think if she would have just opened up could this have been avoided?

So I have a lot on my mind once again and it just closer and closer to Jaxxon 1st birthday. I'm determined to make this year one of the best ones yet! Trying to grieve purposely and draw closer to God and maybe he will give me some insight in to so many of my questions. To be honest I have just been down right mad! I just can't keep doing this... Being mad isn't solving anything, so maybe trying to be content and go with the flow, see what God has in store for us this year will help ease my mind and give me some of my true joy back.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

NYE 2009!

This New Year Andy and Lacy got us a hotel for Christmas, we were so excited to go! We had a great time and I love to watch people and there were plenty of interesting to look at! decided not to take pics of them but I really wanted to!

My new hair on the way to OKC. Shane's still not use to it. I love it though...
Me and Lacy!
Shane being Shane!

Andy and Lacy after our bellies got stuffed on Abuelos!!

Our Hotel from the 4th floor :)

I really need on of those camera's you can see yourself as your taking them! lol

Me and Lacy it was freeeeezzzzinnnngggg!!!!

The four of us Shane, Me, Lacy and Andy! Last pic of '09

Here in Oklahoma we raise the ball not drop it! :)

Fireworks that we actually got to see b/c we had to run away from a group of retarded kids beating each other up!

Things I forgot my camera for we took a limo ride compliments of the hotel. We walked around down town. Then we took a horse drawn carriage ride back to our hotel then we got all bundle up for the fireworks and to watch the ball rise. It was so much fun we may do it again next year!

A Father's Christmas!

We had our last and final Christmas at my Dad's on Sunday... I was by this point filled to the brim with all my family... if you catch my drift :). I still love them though! we had a great day playing games sorry for the lack of pics none of us got out of jammies all day so I didn't get the camera out Ha!

Kassie and her OU snuggie! It felt warmer then then normal ones.

We are rich :) every year my dad comes up with some way to give us money that isn't boring this year he gave us $2 bills. people look at me weird every time I pay with one :)

Shane getting some puppy love!

my daddy watching some TV. my nephew Alec in the back ground.