Friday, July 5, 2013

Right Where I Am 4 yrs. 4 months 9 days

I decided to participate in a project called Right Where I Am where baby-loss parents are asked to write about where they were in their grief. And it also is about how "wherever you are, it is right". We were asked to only talk about the present moment in our grief, not yesterday, or tomorrow, but how we were feeling today. We were instructed to title the piece with Right Where I Am: followed by the time since our child died.

First off I can't believe it's been over 4 yrs since I got kiss his face. Today I'm feeling a little reflective. Today is the day that would have Jaxxon due date. Fourth of July has been hard ever since that first year. We were looking forward to our last holiday as a family of two and we would be welcoming our baby boy, maybe even before that July 4th. So every year as I watch the fireworks, it reminds me of my sweet baby boy. My sister is 29 weeks pregnant and had a little scare last weekend. I went to the same hospital that Jaxxon was born at with her. They admitted her over night and has we were going to her L&D room we passed a door with a white lily flower picture on it. My heart immediately restricted. I wanted to knock on the door and give that mother a great big hug, and cry with her. Any time I hear of someone going through the same thing we did over four years ago. My heart just breaks, I know what a long uphill battle it is just to get up some mornings. Most days it seems like a dream. I hate that people were right when they say time heals all. I wouldn't say it's something that can be healed, but I can say that you can go on and actually "live" and not just get by everyday. After 4 years and two kids the pain is so much different. I just wish that he could be here to play with his sister and brother. I still often wonder who he would be. So where I am in my grief it's different everyday, but today I'm missing my sweet Jaxxon so much. And can't wait till I can hug and tell him how much I love him face to face.

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