stuff :)

It's been a while since I done an update. I got all my test results back from all my lab work and ultrasound from when I missed my period and everything came back looking normal and great. He just said it was because of PCOS (which I don't feel I have a full blown case...just saying) I'm on Glumetza which helps with insulin that helps with ovulation. So that should get me back on track! I have been on Metformin before which is the brand name for Glumetza and it made me really sick but the best thing about Glumetza is it's coded and I have no bad reaction to it! Praise God!

Where are we on our house? Well we have been just kinda taking our time which is fine but we are both ready to have a little bit more space then our one room home is offering :). Plus we are hoping to meet the first time home buyers credit by April 30Th. No we wont have our house by then but you just have to be in a binding contract and be closed on the deal by June 30Th. We have went back and forth on what to do what can we afford and so on and so on. We have pretty much 100% decided on going a prefab house route. The ups are that it can be built with in six weeks. It's just basically the shell of the house so I still get to pick out the finishing touches. That me and Shane wont get a divorce over figuring out what to do ;). The things I would like to change but can live with for now. The guest bathroom is tiny. Yes, I know I will never be in there, but I still don't want it to be cramped for our guest or future little Allens... There's not a ton of storage space but with only two of us living in a four bedroom house I think we can fill up the extra closets for a while:). I'm not thrilled about having a crawl space either. I know it's a stupid thing to not want, but I just don't. Hearing every footstep. knowing that snakes and other creepy crawlers are probably under my feet creeps me out! yes I'm a nerd but stuff:)

Where are we on Adopting/Fostering? Well we got a packet with a billion forms to fill out last week. My hand was cramping by the time I got half way finished. We have to do fingerprinting and get a physical, then we turn that all in and they schedule a home study from how I understand it. They said they don't know if our house will pass but it's worth a try and it won't hurt us in the long run if doesn't pass the first time. I'm praying that all the paperwork goes smoothly that we get accepted and can move on to the home study part. We were both getting excited just filling out paperwork it's one step closer to hopefully becoming parents. I'm trusting in believing God in every step. Still praying that a child is being prepared for our home either through my womb or another selfless mother who knows she wants a better life for her child, or both ;)!

Hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful weather...I love walking outside in the mornings and hearing the birds chirping again!

Our little spoiled rotten puppy!

I'm so glad spring is just around the corner b/c our little guy is so energetic it's good to take him for walks and let him run around like a crazy man!

better late then never!

I realize I'm almost a month late on this post but I wanted to be sure and blog this memory! These pics are in backwards order b/c I forgot blogger did that and I don't want to redo the whole thing so just pretend they are the other way around :)



We decided to do a balloon release again. It was a perfect day not to much wind but enough to carry them away.


Passing out balloons and getting ready for the release

I have no idea what I'm doing but stuff :)

His beautiful cake...It was so yummy I was eating two days later :)

This was the card we attached to the balloons. I didn't receive any emails that they were found though :(

We went to the city on his actual birthday with Brett and Brenda and had a great time. We met up with my side of the family on Saturday. We all went to eat dinner at Speedy's. Yummy! I'm so thankful to have a loving family that we want to surround ourselves around. He is one loved little boy who left his mark on all of us!

Still waiting

First let me say that we had a wonderful time celebrating and remember Jaxxon on his one year birthday. I miss my sweet boy so much! Thanks to all who prayed for us and encourage and remembered him too!

Ok so I want to back up to Feb. 22 I was suppose to get my unwelcome visitor you know the one ladies :) well it didn't happen...I had been feeling funny and thought something just wasn't quite right. Well of course any rational woman in her right mind goes out and buys nearly $50.00 worth of pregnancy test. The first one cam up negative I was a little surprised but knew it could still be to early to detect anything. So then each day after I took another and then another...Then on Feb.26th Jaxxon birthday Shane had finally traveled home from El Paso and I just knew I was going pee on that stick and get my happy ending, well I was disappointed yet again. Not totally believing the results still, because I still felt really off. So this past Wed. I traveled to Stillwater to take a blood test. I got the results back that afternoon...NEGATIVE! We were devastated. I have never ever been this late in my life so I just knew this was it. God turning our struggle our hardship, into joy and happiness. I go back this Wed. to discuss lab work and the findings of an ultrasound I had on Friday to figure out why I'm so late. I'll keep you updated.

Am I the only foolish, selfish, bratty, child of God who sometimes feels as though her father doesn't have her best interest at heart. I know in my brain that this isn't true, but lets face it people it's the heart that matters and mine just isn't there these days. I have prayed for help in trusting and believing him. Helping to believe my unbelief...I read this on another woman's blog that "time doesn't heal, It reveals" I hope there comes a day that I can look back at my life and remember this time as devastating and hard but just one small blip in my life's timeline. Right now I just can't stop thinking that I will be in this valley forever!!! I have been trying to find myself as a mother of a dead baby. How do you do that? I want to be myself before infertility and before this loss but I have to find a new me. I can't laugh without thinking of him, and I can't have one memory that I don't wish he was a part of. I have to just figure out how to keep living, loving, honoring, and remembering...But also moving forward. I want to dream big I want to think that it can actually happen. The lord has been speaking and dealing with me in some pretty strange ways, I need this brokenness to be who he wants me to be. My prayer is Lord help me be what you want me to be. Not be who I want to be.

In my prayer time, The majority of it is just pleading for a child and asking why me, why us. I Hardly ever get past me, me, me! I want to be the woman God truly wants me to be so I'm TRYING to focus on that. Hoping to rest in this for awhile and listen to God and try and find peace in the fact that he can change all these things in a blink of an eye, but I would not have all the the blessing I have had a long the way... Would not be able to be as grateful for the things that I'm sure are to come!

a new addiction!

For the last few weeks I have decided to drink less pop and my new crack is Sweet Tea from Sonic seriously I'm obsessed like upwards to three a day! I know pricey and it's still not the best drink for you but it has to have more water than pop and at least it's real sugar and not all that artificial stuff! So just thought I would share with you what I'm currently so fond of :) I've a had really rough emotionally draining week that I might share with everyone soon! Hope you have a fantastic weekend...