Saturday, March 6, 2010

Still waiting

First let me say that we had a wonderful time celebrating and remember Jaxxon on his one year birthday. I miss my sweet boy so much! Thanks to all who prayed for us and encourage and remembered him too!

Ok so I want to back up to Feb. 22 I was suppose to get my unwelcome visitor you know the one ladies :) well it didn't happen...I had been feeling funny and thought something just wasn't quite right. Well of course any rational woman in her right mind goes out and buys nearly $50.00 worth of pregnancy test. The first one cam up negative I was a little surprised but knew it could still be to early to detect anything. So then each day after I took another and then another...Then on Feb.26th Jaxxon birthday Shane had finally traveled home from El Paso and I just knew I was going pee on that stick and get my happy ending, well I was disappointed yet again. Not totally believing the results still, because I still felt really off. So this past Wed. I traveled to Stillwater to take a blood test. I got the results back that afternoon...NEGATIVE! We were devastated. I have never ever been this late in my life so I just knew this was it. God turning our struggle our hardship, into joy and happiness. I go back this Wed. to discuss lab work and the findings of an ultrasound I had on Friday to figure out why I'm so late. I'll keep you updated.

Am I the only foolish, selfish, bratty, child of God who sometimes feels as though her father doesn't have her best interest at heart. I know in my brain that this isn't true, but lets face it people it's the heart that matters and mine just isn't there these days. I have prayed for help in trusting and believing him. Helping to believe my unbelief...I read this on another woman's blog that "time doesn't heal, It reveals" I hope there comes a day that I can look back at my life and remember this time as devastating and hard but just one small blip in my life's timeline. Right now I just can't stop thinking that I will be in this valley forever!!! I have been trying to find myself as a mother of a dead baby. How do you do that? I want to be myself before infertility and before this loss but I have to find a new me. I can't laugh without thinking of him, and I can't have one memory that I don't wish he was a part of. I have to just figure out how to keep living, loving, honoring, and remembering...But also moving forward. I want to dream big I want to think that it can actually happen. The lord has been speaking and dealing with me in some pretty strange ways, I need this brokenness to be who he wants me to be. My prayer is Lord help me be what you want me to be. Not be who I want to be.

In my prayer time, The majority of it is just pleading for a child and asking why me, why us. I Hardly ever get past me, me, me! I want to be the woman God truly wants me to be so I'm TRYING to focus on that. Hoping to rest in this for awhile and listen to God and try and find peace in the fact that he can change all these things in a blink of an eye, but I would not have all the the blessing I have had a long the way... Would not be able to be as grateful for the things that I'm sure are to come!

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