Georgia Gray

These are pictures of my first born son's Gravestone. I think it turned out perfect! It breaks my heart to know he will never be with us, but I know he's in a better place and that helps. It breaks my heart to walk through the cemetery and see so many baby graves and instantly I feel a connection to the parents who lost such a precious gift. I will never be the same and I hope I never forget all the lesson he is teaching me. Yesterday marked three months, some times it feels like it was forever and sometimes it feels like yesterday that we said goodbye. I seen on one of the grave stones of a baby "he left his mark" I instantly wanted to bawl,(I didn't I held it together didn't want to cause a scene) B/c even though they are so tiny and have little time on this earth they do leave a huge mark on our lives that will be there forever. The little farm my mom made for him and the bucket with the pin wheels his aunt Heather made for him!

sorry

I will not be able to do way back whensday this week due to getting new computers and the scanner isn't installed yet! sorry hopefully I'll be back with the next installment next wedensday!

think about it

I seen this on another blog and felt it needed to be shared a powerful message about our president

Not much going on

There's not been much going on to blog about! I have been super busy getting my Summer Reading Program stuff ready to go at the library This years theme is "Be Creative @your library" We have a lot of fun stuff planned for children ages 3 to 4Th graders.

Mothers day came and went I did better then what I thought I would. I had a little minor break down after we left his grave. I think that is pretty normal. My Grandma had me stand up and honor me along with all the mothers. I have wanted to be able to stand up and be a mother for so long. I just wish it had been different this year. I enjoyed spending time with me mom and we had a great time just being a family!

Next week will be pretty busy also. Graduation on Thursday evening a meeting in Tulsa on Friday then trying to see as much family as possible for memorial day weekend. Jaxxon's Marker came in and I'm really excited to see it. We will make the trip to Paden on Thursday to see the marker and Shane's cousin graduate.

2nd edition of Way back Whensday

My Junior year and Senior year prom! Oh how much simpler life was back then. I just thought I wanted to grow up :)

JUNIOR PROM

In this pic left to right Jenna, Me (I wasn't trying to be sexy my strap just fell down accidentally), Jill, Deandra. This was before prom, like my awesome flippy flops :) (they at least had fancy sequins!!!)





Me and my Grandparents on the Carner side they came and helped me get ready for all of my proms so sweet!

All the girls at prom! Me, Katrina, Jill, Twiggy, Nicole, in front its Jenna, and Adrianne

SENIOR PROM

Me, Chase, and my sister Kassie at prom in 2003.

LOL This is my "Top Model" pose I guess this one really makes me laugh I guess I thought I was super cool!

Me and Jeff Bremer at Steak and Ale before prom like 30 of us went to eat as a group it was a ton of fun to be around all your friends.

Man I enjoyed High School but it's safe to say I'm so glad it's over!

Hope you enjoyed this weeks installment of way back whensday, tune in next week for Mounds High School Graduation class of 2003!

Happy Mother's Day

Mom-Thank you for always being there for me. I couldn't ask for a better mom and friend. I love you with all my heart and hope that we can live closer together at some point in life. We have had our moments but I'm so thankful for you. I know I'm the woman I am b/c of you. I hope to love on my kids and teach them how important family is b/c of you. I know they are going to love their nana.

Dawn- You have been our lives a long time. I want to thank you for being a great step-mom and friend. I have been blessed that you can be around my Mom and her family at important times in my life. It has made coming from a broken home a lot easier for us. I know we have had our ups and downs also but I love you and want to say thank you for being there.

Brenda- Well I have the best mother-in-law that's for sure. You have loved me like a daughter and I couldn't ask for more. Your a second mother to me and have help me through some of the darkest days of my life. Thank you for being a loving mother to my husband you have made him a better man b/c of your love and persistence. I know I'm stubborn and hard to put up with but you love me despite all that so thank you for being you.

Heavy...

I have been following so many women who have suffered infant loss and miscarriages my heart is very heavy tonight. It was really easy to be naive about this subject before it happened to me. I can not believe how often this happens and it's easy just to think it's just another prayer request on our list. I'm hear to tell you what these women are going through is pure hell sometimes. One thing I've have continued to be amazed at is how instantly grief can bring you together even though we all grieve differently it's also the one thing that's the same. Believe me I do not want to be in the grief club, but I am and God had a purpose in all of it.

I'm really not sure what this mother's day has in store for me. I do know I can not be in my house all day. I don't think I can handle knowing his nursery is right down the hall and is empty. It wouldn't be filled if I was still pregnant but it would be filled with anticipation and dreams. His little clothes still hang in the closet and his precious little shoes still on the shelf. How do you even celebrate a day that you thought was the last mothers day you would have to spend without a child. Just to have a rude reminder that you have no baby in your arms. I know I get to stand up and say I'm a mother for the first time. It's just horrible that I have no proof of that.

Lord be near the broken hearted. pour your peace in our lives. I pray that you will show your love and mercy in our lives. I pray your will be done and that you have all the glory. You give and take away, even when it's taken away I will fall on my knees and praise you. Give peace beyond all understanding. Lord I love you even though I don't understand. amen.

way back whensday

I seen this on another lady's blog and decided to steal the idea. These pictures aren't terribly old but I wanted to get the ball rolling before I scanned in some pics.



This is my 21st birthday party! also my wedding reception, yes my birthday is the day before my wedding I made it real easy for Shane!

This is me and my dad getting ready to walk me down the aisle.

Can you believe how skinny Shane is! lol... That's my handsome groom

This is me and my best friend from high school! She's one of my life longers as I like to call them. Know matter how much time has past or what you have been through the friendship is always the same and never changes. I love her for that!

Bachlorette (sp?) party!! @ Joe's Crab Shack good times! I love all these girls! Yes my bridal party all had matching t-shirts cheesy I know but I really liked it so there!

Hit me hard

Yesterday I ran home after eating lunch with Shane just b/c I had time to kill and was checking my email. I seen one that said marker proof it was from the funeral home. I was excited to see it, and had done so good while we ordering it I really think much about opening it. As soon as I saw it I knew it was perfect. I also had a heart in throat moment, I broke down, Seeing his precious name written on there took my breath away. It seems so final. It's just not right to see your own baby's name etched in stone. I should be getting ready for my baby shower not bracing myself from the sight of my sons gravestone. I have been really struggling the past couple of days. It seem like everywhere I turn there's a pregnant lady or a brand new baby. I will admit it's a lot easier seeing pink than blue. We had to pick out the most popular name known to man it seems. I have constant reminders of him everywhere I go. Sometimes I'm grateful other times I want to scream. I'm praying for God to settle my spirit back down and give me peace beyond all understanding. I need you lord I need you near me.