Hit me hard

Yesterday I ran home after eating lunch with Shane just b/c I had time to kill and was checking my email. I seen one that said marker proof it was from the funeral home. I was excited to see it, and had done so good while we ordering it I really think much about opening it. As soon as I saw it I knew it was perfect. I also had a heart in throat moment, I broke down, Seeing his precious name written on there took my breath away. It seems so final. It's just not right to see your own baby's name etched in stone. I should be getting ready for my baby shower not bracing myself from the sight of my sons gravestone. I have been really struggling the past couple of days. It seem like everywhere I turn there's a pregnant lady or a brand new baby. I will admit it's a lot easier seeing pink than blue. We had to pick out the most popular name known to man it seems. I have constant reminders of him everywhere I go. Sometimes I'm grateful other times I want to scream. I'm praying for God to settle my spirit back down and give me peace beyond all understanding. I need you lord I need you near me.