Thursday, January 28, 2010

Discernment

When do you know God is saying no, OR, just not right now? I've been struggling with this the last few days. When I lay my head on my pillow I just can't shut my brain off. To much thinking is not a good thing for me b/c I always go to the extreme worse. I guess I'm just wondering if all the bad things that have happened are just big red signs saying this isn't what I have planned for you. Give up on this dream and find a new one. I know people say it Will happen in God's time, but it doesn't have to happen, he doesn't have to give us this gift. Should I have learned my lesson when we were told we could not have children. Instead I took it as a challenge that mere human doctors can't contain my God in a box. He can do all things. So I continued on praying, seeking and hoping. Then we conceived, over joyed, thought my life was finally on track. He gave me the child I prayed for... Then he died, I had to give him back to the lord. Should this have been my big wake up call you are not suppose to be a mother on earth. I was thinking the last night as I was going to bed. God gave me the gift of a child, even if it just for heaven I have an eternity to be with son. Some women will not even get to have that gift.

How do you know when enough is enough? Am I the only one who struggles with this? I just can't help but to think that this is the right path for me b/c it's such a pain in my heart for a child. Maybe God is teaching me that I want a child more then him. I'm not sure what all of it means, I just know it's hard. Infertility is hard on me, hard on Shane, hard on our marriage, hard for our families. I'm thankful I have a God who allows me to ask all of these questions, b/c He's big enough for all my emotions. I have said it before and will say it again. I do NOT know how people without God can do this!!!! So I would encourage anyone reading this who does not know God has your personal savior to take some time and get to know him. I promise it will be one decision in your life you will never regret. Thanks for listening to my heart once again.

3 comments:

Dawn said...

Who knows what the future holds? It is so easy for us to plan and so hard to allow God to be in charge. We can 'know' it all, but not really know it in our heart. Love you guys and praying for you.

Sarah said...

I didn't lose a baby, but I go through the exact same struggles with school. Is it really what he wants for me or am I the one holding on? If only God sent texts :)

Ashley said...

Tell me about Sarah!!!