Our Journey

I seen Kara's post on her story of infertility and decided to share some of mine. I think that without blogging and family and friends and women I don't even know who are sharing their stories online are what have helped me make it throught the last years. Of course the biggest help is God, but I think you guys know what I mean by bloggs and such helping me through.

Shane and I were married in October of 2005, I always knew I wanted a family, actually I wanted a big family. I came from a large family and have loved every minute of it. After we got married we were not trying to avoid getting pregnant. Two years into the marriage and still no baby, I knew something definitely wasn't right. I made a doctors appt. to find out if they could pin point what was wrong. My theory was if something was wrong, I want to know what it is so they can begin to "fix" it. I naturally thought if there was a problem it would b me b/c you mostly hear about women with infertility problems.

On May of 2007 we start the simple test. Dr. E gave me some medicine and said " I bet within three months you'll be pregnant". He was thinking I could have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). I had to go back in a week and get some test results that I thought would be really routine so I didn't think Shane would need to be with me. Well I go to the appt. and me and Dr. E are joking around and thinking of ways we can play a joke on Shane. He goes out of the room to get his folder and comes back in with this horrified look on his face and immediately I knew something wasn't right. He sits down and tells me the news that Shane has no sperm. I'm thinking what does that mean no sperm. Like he will never have sperm or he just didn't that time? I was devastated all by myself in a room that I'm trying to keep myself together in b/c I don't want to freak the doctor out. I go to my car and immediately break down. This can't be happening to us.

Dr. E referred us to a urologist thinking it could just be a blockage or something fairly easy to "fix" so at this point we still have a little hope. Then the urologist refers us to another specialist who did some genetic testing on Shane. We found out through that, that Shane had Klienfelter's Syndrome. We have a diagnosis that can't be "fixed" it's a chromosonal syndrome, it is something that Shane was born with. It turned out to be a blessing that we found this out even amongst everything going on. It helped my marriage to understand why Shane had some of his hang ups. Long story short we would most likely not be able to have children on our own. We had several options that were going to cost us alot of money that we didn't have. I just prayed God would open our eyes as to what to do and we just waited on that.

In the meantime several of our friends and family are getting pregnant or having there babies.
As you can imagine it was very difficult for us. We didn't really fit in with anyone and really had no place for couples our age who didn't have children. So I was forced to be around the one thing I wanted most. Through this God has giving me strength and a good attitude most of the time... There were days I wanted to scream at mothers who complained about every little thing. When I'm over here thinking if you only knew how I would give anything to have what your complaining about. (I know parenting is hard and I'm not naive enough to think that there will not be days your frustrated and ready to scream).

While we were waiting on God to give us some direction or a miracle, in October, we found we were pregnant with our first baby. We were over joyed and I couldn't believe it was finally happening to me. I had kinda gotten to the point where I was thinking it never would. The pregnancy progressed perfectly. I wasn't to sick and was feeling really good. Then we lost our son in Feb. I don't know what God's plan is through all this. I just know it will turn out to be good and that maybe somewhere down the road I can help someone who is dealing with the same thing. We are waiting on God to do a miracle in our lives again and hopefully our next baby can stay here with us.

Mother's day will be a hard day to get through for some. So please be praying for women who want to and have not got to experience this day has her day yet. God gives us strength to get through every situation and he can help us get through this also.

2 months

Two months already time flys when your not having fun too. I still miss him like crazy everyday. I held the first newborn since Jax today, he was so precious, I haden't realized til that moment how much my heart longed to hold my own baby. At that moment my arms felt heavy with emptiness. I know I want my baby and holding little Noah was so precious, but it wasn't my baby who I know was made to fit perfectly in my arms. One day baby boy I'm going to hold you and wrap you up real tight. Until then I will continue to miss you hear on Earth.

Catching up!

Tish asked me last night if I was on a blogging fast, honestly I just haven't felt I had much to say. I have returned to work obviously it has been going really well thanks for all the prayers! I was a little overwhelmed at first shuffling through stuff on my desk, but I have kinda gotten back in the groove of things.

We got Jaxxon's stone ordered and I think it's going to turn out beautiful. I'm still waiting on a line drawing for us to approve. The hardest part about the experience was trying to find the words that would forever be on his stone. I want everyone who comes to the cemetery to know he was a loved baby boy, but how do you put that in so many words? As soon as I left the funeral home I was immediately thinking what I could have done differently. I know it will turn out beautiful, and it's one less thing I have to do to move on with the grieving process.

Also since my last post I had went to the doctor, She said that I was going to be considered high risk, that doesn't mean that I'm at higher risk to lose another baby just that they need to monitor me a lot more closely the next time around. She truly believes it was just a freak occurrence and that it isn't likely to happen again. She said Jaxxon looked healthy and thriving so there is know need for test such as amino or CVS. If you know about my fear of needles you know this is a huge relief to me! It is bittersweet to know he was healthy. I think I could live with this more if I knew he was in heaven to stop his suffering. The thing is though he wasn't suffering in anyway. It goes back to the thing about it being my bodies fault. Anyway we can start trying for a baby as soon as we're ready. So I'm going to ask for prayers in this again. That we can get pregnant, and that everything will go smoothly!

At this point I'm doing a lot better with things. I'm having trouble letting go of everything. I think it will help to get past my due date, it's like I still keep waiting for him to show up at any minute and make it all ok. I know he's with the Father and I'm thankful to have my faith to know that he's there. It's just that I want to fill this hole so badly. I'm at a stage where I'm asking a lot of whys and what ifs. I can never understand it, I just have to trust that God knows everything and is turning it in to something good.

Shane and Brett are heading to a men's retreat this weekend so me and Brenda are going to see the stage production of Annie. Then on Saturday I hope to get some stuff done and get caught up on laundry since be at a conference for three days at the beginning of the week.

ME, ME A TO Z

A: Attached or Single? Very attached to my honey

B: Best Friend? Shane! can tell him anything don't have to hold back on anything. Know he will always be there for me. I have great family that I would consider to be best friends to!

C: Cake or Pie? definitely cake, anything chocolate

D: Day of Choice? probably Saturday, I get to sleep in and spend the whole day doing what ever I want and know I still have one day of the weekend left!

E: Essential Item? My Iphone I'm pretty much attached to it. It's something to keep my hands busy.

F: Favorite Color? Pink, I think I don't really have a favorite color.

G: Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms? Gummy worms softer and tastier

H: Hometown? Mounds, Ok Will always consider it home. Not much there but it's where I became who I am

I: Favorite Indulgence? a good pan of brownies

J: January or July? July, I love fourth of July and being with family.

K: Kids? Jaxxon Shane, I will never get to be his mom on earth but look forward to seeing him in heaven. I'm praying God will bless us with children here on Earth soon.

L: Life isn't complete without? Shane, He is my world and I'm thankful to him everyday. If it stays just the two us here on Earth I know I will love him and be with him always. We will always have fun and be laughing together.

M: Marriage Date? October 1, 2005 one of the best days of my life!

N: Number of brothers and sisters? 5

O: Oranges or apples? Oranges just wish they were easier to pill!

P: Phobias? snakes can't breathe when I see one. needles I don't know what it is but I just hate them. I'm in labor going through the worst pain in my life explaining to the nurse that I'm scared of needles :) she says a needle should be the least of my worries.

Q: Quotes? Do you love me 4 times! (Shane says this to me o at least 50 times a day)

: Reasons to smile? Knowing God is control, Thinking about little Jaxxon, Bree and Jarrett

S: Season of choice? by far my favorite is Fall, love the colors the smells everything about it.

T: Tag 5 people? Tisha, Kara, Brandy, Brett, Sarah

U: Unknown fact? O don't really have a problem sharing stuff with people, so this is a hard one I can't really think of anything.(Shane told me to put that I like A1 sauce on my mashed potatoes!)

V: Vegetable? Corn, I know it has nothing nutritional about it, but corn with al ot of butter you just can't beat it!

W: Worst Habit? Getting motivated to do stuff. If I know I don't have enough time to get it done I just won't even start it.

X: X-Ray or Ultrasound? Ultrasound, I will never forget the moments I got to watch my son so alive inside of me.

Y: Your favorite food? probably Mashed potatoes and Gravy yummy!

Z: Zodiac sign? Libra

Testing to see how blogger mobile works

Cardboard testimony!

Today for Easter Sunday our church is doing a cardboard testimony service. So in honor of that I thought I would share my cardboard testimony.

FRONT

Longed to have a child

Told we would never have children 06/07

Found out we were pregnant 10/30/2008

Delivered our son at 22 weeks and he met Jesus the same day on 02/26/2009

BACK

I am a MOTHER

Still living by his grace!!!

Still praising him through the storm!!!

Today has been a whirl of emotions let me tell you. As the Easter holiday approaches I'm so thankful for the fact that our Savior died on the cross for all of us to have eternal life. So that my son can be celebrating this special time with him in person. Jaxxon is reaping the benefits of what Christ did for us on Calvary. I have felt more like myself everyday which as been a prayer of mine for the last few weeks. Thank you Jesus for an answered prayer.

Shane and I took Bree to an Easter Egg hunt at a local church in town, while we were there I almost couldn't hold it together. This is the first of many holidays we will not get to celebrate with him. I seen mothers with their son's and it tore my heart in two. I'm so ready for that to go away.

I have seen how Jaxxon has effected the people around me and have been blessed to know his life has made a difference. My older sister Heather gave and Easter basket to a child who wouldn't have gotten one in Jaxxon's name. I'm glad he has inspired people to give. He has inspired his Momma too. I think he has taught me a little more about compassion. I read this quote on another grieving mothers blog. It's by C.S. Lewis " tragedy is what God uses to wake us up from a life that would otherwise be hopelessly lost from it’s intended purpose."I wish I could know what I know now with him still here. God had a purpose for this wake up call, and I hope I can become a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend, Person because of it. I have known how to love deeper I have a greater love for my relationships because the can be gone in an instant.

Tomorrow after worshiping with church family, and eating a delicious lunch we will be traveling to Tulsa. I have my doctor appt. to get released to go back to work on Tuesday. I will ask for prayers for this b/c I'm really nervous and scared about going back. There are still days I don't feel like getting out of bed and have a minor break downs at any given minute of the day. Well obviously that's not going to be as easy to do when I'm getting paid for my time. So just be in prayer with me that I will get right back in the swing of things and it's an easy transition.

Also on Monday we will be ordering Jaxxon's gravestone. That will obviously not be very easy considering it's not something a first time mother wants to pick out for her beautiful precious baby. I want him instead of a gravestone. I want him instead of the dirt he's laying in. I know people probably feel that it's should be getting better, but honestly I just feel like it's really sinking in. I have kind of been pretending in my head that I should still be planning on his arrival. Slowly those plans are starting to stop. Which is what is so difficult right now. My brain is slowly catching up to what my heart has been feeling for almost two months now. I will leave you tonight with a scripture

2 Samuel 22:5-7

5 "The waves of death swirled about me; The torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. 6 The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. 7 In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears.

Thank you Jesus for hearing my cry. Even though this has been harder than anything you have brought me through before. I'm thankful for you I'm thankful for you dying on a cross to cover my sins. I'm thankful that you will never leave me nor forsake me. I stand in awe of you, I stand, I stand in awe of you. Lord I come to who all praise is due. I stand in awe of you.

Easter Egg Coloring

We colored Easter Eggs tonight with Bree, it was so fun. It always reminds me of my childhood some of my favorite memories was the egg coloring at Easter. My family still has a huge egg hunt every year!!! This is Shane's Pepsi egg he is so proud of it.

Nonny getting in on the egg coloring action

Me and Brother bear. You can't see his name very good but it's on the egg.

EASTER EGGS!!! BY TISHA!!!!

We colored Easter Eggs tonight. We set out to color only 24, but ended up with 48 cause the "Adults" were having too much fun! Jarrett only dropped an egg in this year, but Bree really enjoyed it. She keeps telling me she wants to do the trick-or-treat. She is a little confused, I think she just wants candy! Here are some pictures of our fun! Scott joined the fun after he and my dad ran to get more eggs for us. I didn't get any pictures of him or myself, but oh well!

Watch me Brother I'll show you how to do it...

After Brother dropped his egg in the dye

Jarrett wanted to attack his Nane

My hands are blue and green (those wire holders and I do not get along) Breeana has 2 shirts that are probably ruined and Nane ate several eggs and probably has a tummy ache, but it was lot's of fun!

snow storm 09

Well it took me forever to get these on here b/c my retarded computer wouldn't upload the pictures for whatever reason so I only put three b/c I got tired of waiting.


This is the snow in the front yard!

Bree and Nane sledding down the hill at Nonny's. going really fast.

This is my favorite pictures of them. They were just being goofy but it was so cute.