Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Our Journey

I seen Kara's post on her story of infertility and decided to share some of mine. I think that without blogging and family and friends and women I don't even know who are sharing their stories online are what have helped me make it throught the last years. Of course the biggest help is God, but I think you guys know what I mean by bloggs and such helping me through.

Shane and I were married in October of 2005, I always knew I wanted a family, actually I wanted a big family. I came from a large family and have loved every minute of it. After we got married we were not trying to avoid getting pregnant. Two years into the marriage and still no baby, I knew something definitely wasn't right. I made a doctors appt. to find out if they could pin point what was wrong. My theory was if something was wrong, I want to know what it is so they can begin to "fix" it. I naturally thought if there was a problem it would b me b/c you mostly hear about women with infertility problems.

On May of 2007 we start the simple test. Dr. E gave me some medicine and said " I bet within three months you'll be pregnant". He was thinking I could have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). I had to go back in a week and get some test results that I thought would be really routine so I didn't think Shane would need to be with me. Well I go to the appt. and me and Dr. E are joking around and thinking of ways we can play a joke on Shane. He goes out of the room to get his folder and comes back in with this horrified look on his face and immediately I knew something wasn't right. He sits down and tells me the news that Shane has no sperm. I'm thinking what does that mean no sperm. Like he will never have sperm or he just didn't that time? I was devastated all by myself in a room that I'm trying to keep myself together in b/c I don't want to freak the doctor out. I go to my car and immediately break down. This can't be happening to us.

Dr. E referred us to a urologist thinking it could just be a blockage or something fairly easy to "fix" so at this point we still have a little hope. Then the urologist refers us to another specialist who did some genetic testing on Shane. We found out through that, that Shane had Klienfelter's Syndrome. We have a diagnosis that can't be "fixed" it's a chromosonal syndrome, it is something that Shane was born with. It turned out to be a blessing that we found this out even amongst everything going on. It helped my marriage to understand why Shane had some of his hang ups. Long story short we would most likely not be able to have children on our own. We had several options that were going to cost us alot of money that we didn't have. I just prayed God would open our eyes as to what to do and we just waited on that.

In the meantime several of our friends and family are getting pregnant or having there babies.
As you can imagine it was very difficult for us. We didn't really fit in with anyone and really had no place for couples our age who didn't have children. So I was forced to be around the one thing I wanted most. Through this God has giving me strength and a good attitude most of the time... There were days I wanted to scream at mothers who complained about every little thing. When I'm over here thinking if you only knew how I would give anything to have what your complaining about. (I know parenting is hard and I'm not naive enough to think that there will not be days your frustrated and ready to scream).

While we were waiting on God to give us some direction or a miracle, in October, we found we were pregnant with our first baby. We were over joyed and I couldn't believe it was finally happening to me. I had kinda gotten to the point where I was thinking it never would. The pregnancy progressed perfectly. I wasn't to sick and was feeling really good. Then we lost our son in Feb. I don't know what God's plan is through all this. I just know it will turn out to be good and that maybe somewhere down the road I can help someone who is dealing with the same thing. We are waiting on God to do a miracle in our lives again and hopefully our next baby can stay here with us.

Mother's day will be a hard day to get through for some. So please be praying for women who want to and have not got to experience this day has her day yet. God gives us strength to get through every situation and he can help us get through this also.


Go For It! said...

Though not publically, I still weep for you and Shane, and for our families. It seems that I would be moving on... not forgetting, but moving on. And, maybe I am... slowly.

Love you... praying for you...

Amanda said...

I just found your blog tonight through the "His Will Wednesday" link list. Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your heartbreaking loss. We lost a baby at 22 weeks two years ago, and I know how horrible that pain is. God is graceful and merciful and will sustain you in the midst of it all...

amanda said...

I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to you.

I know you can't physically hold your baby in your arms, but you are still a mother, and that's a blessing, and from what I've read a miracle.

Miracles do happen. The odds were against me having children, and even though there is a large age gap of 13 and 15 yrs between my oldest and the younger two it does and can and will happen.

It already has.

Happy Mother's Day again to you!!!

In His Love,