Longed to have a child
Told we would never have children 06/07
Found out we were pregnant 10/30/2008
Delivered our son at 22 weeks and he met Jesus the same day on 02/26/2009
I am a MOTHER
Still living by his grace!!!
Still praising him through the storm!!!
Today has been a whirl of emotions let me tell you. As the Easter holiday approaches I'm so thankful for the fact that our Savior died on the cross for all of us to have eternal life. So that my son can be celebrating this special time with him in person. Jaxxon is reaping the benefits of what Christ did for us on Calvary. I have felt more like myself everyday which as been a prayer of mine for the last few weeks. Thank you Jesus for an answered prayer.
Shane and I took Bree to an Easter Egg hunt at a local church in town, while we were there I almost couldn't hold it together. This is the first of many holidays we will not get to celebrate with him. I seen mothers with their son's and it tore my heart in two. I'm so ready for that to go away.
I have seen how Jaxxon has effected the people around me and have been blessed to know his life has made a difference. My older sister Heather gave and Easter basket to a child who wouldn't have gotten one in Jaxxon's name. I'm glad he has inspired people to give. He has inspired his Momma too. I think he has taught me a little more about compassion. I read this quote on another grieving mothers blog. It's by C.S. Lewis " tragedy is what God uses to wake us up from a life that would otherwise be hopelessly lost from it’s intended purpose."I wish I could know what I know now with him still here. God had a purpose for this wake up call, and I hope I can become a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend, Person because of it. I have known how to love deeper I have a greater love for my relationships because the can be gone in an instant.
Tomorrow after worshiping with church family, and eating a delicious lunch we will be traveling to Tulsa. I have my doctor appt. to get released to go back to work on Tuesday. I will ask for prayers for this b/c I'm really nervous and scared about going back. There are still days I don't feel like getting out of bed and have a minor break downs at any given minute of the day. Well obviously that's not going to be as easy to do when I'm getting paid for my time. So just be in prayer with me that I will get right back in the swing of things and it's an easy transition.
Also on Monday we will be ordering Jaxxon's gravestone. That will obviously not be very easy considering it's not something a first time mother wants to pick out for her beautiful precious baby. I want him instead of a gravestone. I want him instead of the dirt he's laying in. I know people probably feel that it's should be getting better, but honestly I just feel like it's really sinking in. I have kind of been pretending in my head that I should still be planning on his arrival. Slowly those plans are starting to stop. Which is what is so difficult right now. My brain is slowly catching up to what my heart has been feeling for almost two months now. I will leave you tonight with a scripture
2 Samuel 22:5-7
5 "The waves of death swirled about me; The torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. 6 The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. 7 In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears.
Thank you Jesus for hearing my cry. Even though this has been harder than anything you have brought me through before. I'm thankful for you I'm thankful for you dying on a cross to cover my sins. I'm thankful that you will never leave me nor forsake me. I stand in awe of you, I stand, I stand in awe of you. Lord I come to who all praise is due. I stand in awe of you.