Friday, April 24, 2009

Catching up!

Tish asked me last night if I was on a blogging fast, honestly I just haven't felt I had much to say. I have returned to work obviously it has been going really well thanks for all the prayers! I was a little overwhelmed at first shuffling through stuff on my desk, but I have kinda gotten back in the groove of things.

We got Jaxxon's stone ordered and I think it's going to turn out beautiful. I'm still waiting on a line drawing for us to approve. The hardest part about the experience was trying to find the words that would forever be on his stone. I want everyone who comes to the cemetery to know he was a loved baby boy, but how do you put that in so many words? As soon as I left the funeral home I was immediately thinking what I could have done differently. I know it will turn out beautiful, and it's one less thing I have to do to move on with the grieving process.

Also since my last post I had went to the doctor, She said that I was going to be considered high risk, that doesn't mean that I'm at higher risk to lose another baby just that they need to monitor me a lot more closely the next time around. She truly believes it was just a freak occurrence and that it isn't likely to happen again. She said Jaxxon looked healthy and thriving so there is know need for test such as amino or CVS. If you know about my fear of needles you know this is a huge relief to me! It is bittersweet to know he was healthy. I think I could live with this more if I knew he was in heaven to stop his suffering. The thing is though he wasn't suffering in anyway. It goes back to the thing about it being my bodies fault. Anyway we can start trying for a baby as soon as we're ready. So I'm going to ask for prayers in this again. That we can get pregnant, and that everything will go smoothly!

At this point I'm doing a lot better with things. I'm having trouble letting go of everything. I think it will help to get past my due date, it's like I still keep waiting for him to show up at any minute and make it all ok. I know he's with the Father and I'm thankful to have my faith to know that he's there. It's just that I want to fill this hole so badly. I'm at a stage where I'm asking a lot of whys and what ifs. I can never understand it, I just have to trust that God knows everything and is turning it in to something good.

Shane and Brett are heading to a men's retreat this weekend so me and Brenda are going to see the stage production of Annie. Then on Saturday I hope to get some stuff done and get caught up on laundry since be at a conference for three days at the beginning of the week.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

I remember those first months, how intensely hard they were. Those milestones were especially hard -- due date, first holidays, birthday/dying day. Praying for you...