This Rollercoaster Ride...

Called grief. Sleep is some where in the distance tonight. So I'm hoping getting some of my thoughts out of my head into black and white will help. I'm having a moment when I feel as though my flesh is winning. I'm have been just pretty darn mad for most of the day. I haven't been through this emotion yet so it's really kind of troubling me. I know not to question God his plan is perfect, but my human brain is just going in circles asking why.

Why can women who don't want a baby give birth and never have one complication? How can teenagers whose parents end up raising their child have a healthily baby? How can women who are on drugs, drinking, smoking have a perfectly normal baby? I will never understand this. I have so many questions right now. One of my biggest stronghold is the fact that right before I delivered Jaxxon he had a heart beat, he was a strong little fighter. Most babies his size wouldn't have made it through the birth process, but my little boy did. I have been reading blogs and have become friends with women on myspace who all had babies with something wrong with them. My little Jaxxon seemed to be a perfectly healthy baby boy. I know that this is not my fault, but in many ways I feel I let him down. That his own Mommy's body couldn't sustain his life. The pain is almost excruciating at times.

The last couple of days the family has all been together playing and laughing in the snow. I guess normal kinda crept in. Then it was like a ton of bricks on my chest b/c I'm not ready for normal I don't think. I want him to be in the normal. It's just really hard for me to grasp the fact that he will not be in any of these kinds of memories. One day I will write the story of the events leading up to Jaxxon birth and share with all of you the memory of his short life here on earth. I'm hoping God will stay true to his promise that he will be near the broken hearted because I need you Lord tonight. This weight is heavy. My arms long for my precious baby. His crib lay empty, his clothes never worn. I should be feeling him move with in me and instead I feel that emptiness too. So this is obviously not a good day. Lord be near me, I need you to carry me through

One Month

Well today marks one month since mister Jaxxon Shane Allen made his entrance in the world. It also marks the day he went to be with Jesus. Time flies I have no profound words for this day other than I miss him. My heart has found a new way to love, it has also experinced the worst heart ache there is on this earth. I hope all of you hold your children and wrap them up real tight today! they are the most precious gift we get on this earth!

Lord Speak your servant is listening!

First let me tell you what a great outlet this blog has been for me. There's nothing more "therapeutic" I guess that would be the word, than to sit down and write out your thoughts. I feel like I get to document this loss and the time with God forever. Through the blogging world I have got to read many Mother's grief and anguish as we travel this similar road. It is encouraging and uplifting to know that we all serve a God who is the same God to us before we even got the news our world would changed forever.



I have been asking God to speak to me. Really speak to me. I have never had to walk the talk is the best way to put it. I know now that my faith is not just a cliche for when people are hurting and your trying to say something to comfort them. It is real and tangible, and it is what I have held on to. I have always kinda feared God and just viewed him as someone I had to pass the test of good and bad to get to the place we all want to go. Last night something happened for the first time in my life. I fell on my face and fell in love with my God. I have been saved for a long while and I guess it I felt like that was enough. God showed me how wrong I have been. I have never seen this side of God the God who does not want to harm us but just to wrap us in his arms and love us. I know he gave his son for us. I just never thought of him giving his son for even only me. He wore the scars, did Jesus want to be brutally murdered no, but he chose to obey God. Oh how I wish I didn't have to wear the scar of Jaxxon I want him here with me, but I will chose to obey God and walk this journey knowing that I can fall in his arms and let him carry me whenever I need him to. He will meet you where you are you just have to trust and obey. Thank you lord for speaking to me.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

Thank you Lord for the middle of the night praise session!

Thank you for letting me fall in love all over again. Your are holy, holy, holy, the Lord God Almighty. Your name is above all names, You are worthy of all praise

Everything New

I have been reading in Ruth tonight. Before I read a single word on the page I asked God to speak to me clearly. Here's what he said. How will you handle this death. Will you stay where you are and do nothing? Will you blame me and be angry? Will you seek me out and trust in knowing that I could weave a new path that is greater than anything you could imagine? I choose to go where you go, stay where you stay, for your people to,become my people and your God to become my God (Ruth 1:16). I am ready to walk this Journey with you Lord. Even if I stumble and get dirty I am ready. Thank you Lord for speaking to me tonight. I know there is a reason for this season!

" I tell you the truth unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it stays a single seed, but if it dies it becomes many seeds." (John 12:24)
I hope that Jaxxon life has planted many seeds in peoples lives to know God is good and sovereign. His Grace is leading us through. That Through death he brings new life and abundant life.

Thank you Lord for giving me this message tonight. That through all circumstances he is strengthening my faith. I'm glad to be serving a lord who said. "I am making EVERYTHING new" (Revelation 21:5)

Nothing New

Nothing really new around my house. My cousins came this weekend and it was great to see them! I got a new hair cut. I always hope the scissors will cut thirty pounds off and they never do! I have had a pretty good week no break downs yet which I consider an accomplishment at this point. My Mom and Sister are coming up this weekend. Everyone is doing their part to keep me busy and my mind off stuff. The nights are the worst b/c there is no one to keep me busy. I have been reading a book on grief and it has been helping to know I'm normal. I can absolutely not believe how God has continued to show us his hand in all of this. How he has provided when we need it the most. People just keep showing us they love us, and I hope everyone knows that we love them.

Sometimes I'm so thankful for the fact that we got to hold and see and talk to our son. We have something tangible on this earth, even if it is just a grave. I have pictures to remember him. Then sometimes I think it might have been easier not to have all those things to know that the pictures we have are the only ones we will ever have. We won't have his first day of school or all those wonderful sports pictures, or his graduation day. I do know logically that I'm thankful for the time we had with him. Then I have moments when I long for just one normal memory, like his cry, his smile, his eyes. I will never have that from my little boy. I think that would be easier then I would just long for more and more of those moments. So I'm mostly saying that I don't think that any of these scenarios would make losing a child any easier. We just have to be thankful for what we have, and be thankful for that the creator of the earth had his hand in it from the beginning.

He knew Jaxxon long before I even knew he existed. I'm comforted in knowing that he seen his whole life from the beginning. I pray that as I move out of this season that God will continue to show himself to me and continue to heal my broken heart. I pray for new joy and new life. I pray that if we get to experience this joy again that, he will give us calmness and peace.

I'm also praying for baby Stellan, if you haven't read his story you should skip on over to Mckmamma's blog I'll include a link. http://www.mycharmingkids.net

Dear Lord

Dear God, We would love to hold Jaxxon on our laps and tell him about you. Since we can't will you lay Jaxxon on your lap and tell him about us?

rough day.

It was the first weekend with out Shane and I have been having trouble sleeping. I did have a lot of fun with my Mom and Sister, and Aunt Karen just a girls weekend. The hard part was going shopping with my Mom and fighting the urge to go shopping for my baby. I had to remind myself constantly that I had no need to go the baby section at any given store we were in. I thought I was doing good had my missing him under control. Then this weekend it just hit me all over again. I guess this will be a lot longer process than what I thought. Driving home on Sunday it hit me all over again that I was going home without my baby. I'm feeling so empty today. So I'm praying for extra comfort from God today. I almost feel that I'm back a square one. I'm also praying that God will give me a new focus. For the last three years it has been trying to get pregnant then when I got pregnant it was counting the days til he got here. So I feel like I'm not waiting on anything right now I feel lost and useless. So thank you for listening to my heart. I know many are praying and it truly is carrying me through. I just am having a rough day.

New Look

Want to give a shout out to Tish for making my fabulous new Header the quote is so true. I may not be a mother who has had to get up in the middle of the night and rock my precious baby to sleep. I may not be annoyed by all the things that my son does to drive me nuts. I am a MOTHER who has loves my child more than anything in the World. I have the best husband who is a DADDY who loves his beautiful baby boy more than the whole world.

Now I lay me...

We just got Jaxxon now "I Lay Me Down To Sleep" pictures. I wasn't sure this was something I wanted to do, but I'm so glad I choose to. The pictures are so precious. They do a great job and are so respectful of the parents and the baby. I hope no one has to go through this but if you are ever faced with something like this and there are a group of people willing to photograph your precious miracle you should really conisder it. I'm going to include the link to his pictures you have to use a password and it's Jaxxon. I hope you enjoy our precious baby boy.

http://www.andreamannphoto.smugmug.com/gallery/7565433_gG7Kd#488976134_JAwEd


don't forget the password is Jaxxon

through the fire

So many times I’ve questioned certain circumstances
Or things I could not understand
Many times in trials, weakness blurs my vision
And my frustrations get so out of hand
It’s then I am reminded I’ve never been forsaken
I’ve never had to stand the test alone
As I look at all the victories, the Spirit rises up in me
It’s through the fire my weakness is made strong

And He never promised the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climb
He never offered victory without fighting but He said help would always come in time
Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision and the adversary says give in
Just hold on, our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire again

I know within myself that I would surely perish
But if I trust the hand of God, He’ll shield the flames again

And He never promised the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climb
Just hold on, our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire again
Just hold on, our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire again

I was reading a blog of another mother who has suffer the grief of losing a child. This song came into my mind. I have sang it before but the words have never been so true. My lord did show up to walk me through the fire. I have never had to trust in him so much before. My faith is so much stronger. I will never understand how someone can get through such tragedy with out the hope and faith of my Lord and Savior. He is so real and I truely feel sorry for people who walk through this life without him. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Isn't it nice to be able to cast all our fears and emtions on our God. He's mending my broken heart and I'm so thankful to be a child of God.

numb

I know the sadness only last for the night.....

I'm waiting for the JOY in the morning.

I know that will only come from God. I will never forget this time in my life but I'm ready for the morning.

One WeekI

I can't believe it's been a week since I met you. My sweet baby.You woke momma up early b/c your stubborn like your daddy, and you know how much I hate mornings. But you wanted to make your debut early. I can't believe I never got to see your eyes or see you smile. I had dreamed so much for you. You made me and your daddy so happy. You brought a joy to our life that only a new life can. You brought us together. I don't know what your purpose was to be here such a short time. I have had thoughts like would have it been better to never know you at all. Then I just have to think about your sweet little face and know there's nothing in this world I ever wanted to see more. I can't wait to see God's work being done through your life Jaxxon Shane Allen.

I'm so broken and empty with out you in my arms. The only thing that has kept me going is knowing that your where we all long to be. You are so loved baby boy. Your Nana Trish wanted to hold you and rock you and love you all pieces. Your Papa Tom and Grandma Dawn wanted to take you to baseball games and watch you grow. Your Nonny and Poppy wanted to do so much for you. The best thing is we all will carry you around with us and I think your little life has made an impact on all of us. We will never be the same. You have made me stronger, in my relationships, in my faith, emotionally. I will never forget you I can't wait til I see your sweet face again. Thank you for letting us know you baby boy.

Home at last

Well needless to say it's been a tough two weeks. I have only gotten through it because of the strength of my heavenly father, and the love of family and friends. We have been overwhelmed by the love and support of everyone. I can not say thanks enough. We know how loved we are through this. Me and Shane have learned a lot about each other and I couldn't ask for a better partner than my husband. I wish it wouldn't have taken something this tragic for me to see how truly Lucky I am to have the husband that I have. Know that God is steadfast and faithful. When all you have is him it's very easy to see and feel him. We serve a mighty God who is the lover of my soul. I can't say how much I have had to lean on him. When you seek his face he will find you.

I also want to thank Jaxxon's Poppy for doing such a great job at his service. He would look up and admire you so much. I'm sorry we have to miss out on watching him learn from you.

Now about my beautiful baby boy. He was born at 7:33 A.M. weighing in at 12 oz. and 10.25 inches long. He had his momma's nose and everything else was like his daddy's. The first thing I notice was that his hands were exactly like Shanes. I have know Idea how somebody would think a baby isn't a baby until 24 weeks. He was perfect baby. Everything formed except his organs. I got to hold him while he still had a heart beat. I wish Shane would have been there with me but it happened so fast that it wasn't possible. I know that baby Jaxxon is with the father and what better place is there.

Momma's baby boy. I wish the trash can wasn't in the picture but he's so beautiful.

Poppy and Nonny made Jaxxon a beautiful box to be laid to rest in. He has the best even in death. I wish he would have gotten to know them.

This is his little hunting outfit. His daddy made sure he went out in style. I know this would have been his normal outfit in a few years.