Called grief. Sleep is some where in the distance tonight. So I'm hoping getting some of my thoughts out of my head into black and white will help. I'm having a moment when I feel as though my flesh is winning. I'm have been just pretty darn mad for most of the day. I haven't been through this emotion yet so it's really kind of troubling me. I know not to question God his plan is perfect, but my human brain is just going in circles asking why.
Why can women who don't want a baby give birth and never have one complication? How can teenagers whose parents end up raising their child have a healthily baby? How can women who are on drugs, drinking, smoking have a perfectly normal baby? I will never understand this. I have so many questions right now. One of my biggest stronghold is the fact that right before I delivered Jaxxon he had a heart beat, he was a strong little fighter. Most babies his size wouldn't have made it through the birth process, but my little boy did. I have been reading blogs and have become friends with women on myspace who all had babies with something wrong with them. My little Jaxxon seemed to be a perfectly healthy baby boy. I know that this is not my fault, but in many ways I feel I let him down. That his own Mommy's body couldn't sustain his life. The pain is almost excruciating at times.
The last couple of days the family has all been together playing and laughing in the snow. I guess normal kinda crept in. Then it was like a ton of bricks on my chest b/c I'm not ready for normal I don't think. I want him to be in the normal. It's just really hard for me to grasp the fact that he will not be in any of these kinds of memories. One day I will write the story of the events leading up to Jaxxon birth and share with all of you the memory of his short life here on earth. I'm hoping God will stay true to his promise that he will be near the broken hearted because I need you Lord tonight. This weight is heavy. My arms long for my precious baby. His crib lay empty, his clothes never worn. I should be feeling him move with in me and instead I feel that emptiness too. So this is obviously not a good day. Lord be near me, I need you to carry me through