Monday, March 23, 2009

Nothing New

Nothing really new around my house. My cousins came this weekend and it was great to see them! I got a new hair cut. I always hope the scissors will cut thirty pounds off and they never do! I have had a pretty good week no break downs yet which I consider an accomplishment at this point. My Mom and Sister are coming up this weekend. Everyone is doing their part to keep me busy and my mind off stuff. The nights are the worst b/c there is no one to keep me busy. I have been reading a book on grief and it has been helping to know I'm normal. I can absolutely not believe how God has continued to show us his hand in all of this. How he has provided when we need it the most. People just keep showing us they love us, and I hope everyone knows that we love them.

Sometimes I'm so thankful for the fact that we got to hold and see and talk to our son. We have something tangible on this earth, even if it is just a grave. I have pictures to remember him. Then sometimes I think it might have been easier not to have all those things to know that the pictures we have are the only ones we will ever have. We won't have his first day of school or all those wonderful sports pictures, or his graduation day. I do know logically that I'm thankful for the time we had with him. Then I have moments when I long for just one normal memory, like his cry, his smile, his eyes. I will never have that from my little boy. I think that would be easier then I would just long for more and more of those moments. So I'm mostly saying that I don't think that any of these scenarios would make losing a child any easier. We just have to be thankful for what we have, and be thankful for that the creator of the earth had his hand in it from the beginning.

He knew Jaxxon long before I even knew he existed. I'm comforted in knowing that he seen his whole life from the beginning. I pray that as I move out of this season that God will continue to show himself to me and continue to heal my broken heart. I pray for new joy and new life. I pray that if we get to experience this joy again that, he will give us calmness and peace.

I'm also praying for baby Stellan, if you haven't read his story you should skip on over to Mckmamma's blog I'll include a link.

1 comment:

Go For It! said...

I do not pretend to know how you feel, but your words help me to understand a little of what you are experiencing. I know how I feel, and what you wrote in this post helped me.

I love you.