First let me tell you what a great outlet this blog has been for me. There's nothing more "therapeutic" I guess that would be the word, than to sit down and write out your thoughts. I feel like I get to document this loss and the time with God forever. Through the blogging world I have got to read many Mother's grief and anguish as we travel this similar road. It is encouraging and uplifting to know that we all serve a God who is the same God to us before we even got the news our world would changed forever.
I have been asking God to speak to me. Really speak to me. I have never had to walk the talk is the best way to put it. I know now that my faith is not just a cliche for when people are hurting and your trying to say something to comfort them. It is real and tangible, and it is what I have held on to. I have always kinda feared God and just viewed him as someone I had to pass the test of good and bad to get to the place we all want to go. Last night something happened for the first time in my life. I fell on my face and fell in love with my God. I have been saved for a long while and I guess it I felt like that was enough. God showed me how wrong I have been. I have never seen this side of God the God who does not want to harm us but just to wrap us in his arms and love us. I know he gave his son for us. I just never thought of him giving his son for even only me. He wore the scars, did Jesus want to be brutally murdered no, but he chose to obey God. Oh how I wish I didn't have to wear the scar of Jaxxon I want him here with me, but I will chose to obey God and walk this journey knowing that I can fall in his arms and let him carry me whenever I need him to. He will meet you where you are you just have to trust and obey. Thank you lord for speaking to me.